Can We Survive This?
by TheDrunkenWerewolf
Summary: Gin discovers Aizen has been having an affair with Hinamori, and naturally, he is angry and heartbroken. After spewing his initial vitriol at the man, Gin has to answer the question: do they have a future and can their relationship can survive this? Lots of angst, but ultimately a story of forgiveness, and fixing what's broken. Part of my Heirverse series but can be read alone.
1. Judas Tree for Betrayal

_I'm dedicating this one to my two favourite plot mechanics Gleish26 and Marisa Serise – wherever they both are. For wading through all of the Heirverse with me. Because it's not a small story-verse by any means, and there's so much chessboard I did not see coming._

notes – Alright, I'll try to keep this short because I tend to blab on a bit in my notes. Oh, and if I owned Bleach this shit would be canon. Since I don't, and it isn't, its safe to assume I own nothing but the prose here.

Part of my Game/Say/Heir-verse. So, angsty and dramatic as standard (my Gin is an emotional creature). M rated for a reason.

Events here are touched upon in Heir 78 and 79, with some crossover with Game and Say it as it's all in the same story-verse. But this can be read on its own. Though I do recommend reading the rest of the series, if only for a bit more understanding and context. There are Game echoes _throughout this._

Contains the usual Heirverse things: swearing, sex, adult themes, emotional distress, some fluffy scenes, canon decimation. Copious use of the Victorian language of flowers, of which meanings are taken from my own dictionary I have compiled as I've found meanings vary between sources. And I've discovered there are some flowers I like to have certain meanings. Particularly saffron.

Oh, and before I forget, the chapter titles are the flowers and their meanings in the flower language. it just fit, with the two of them growing back together in the story.

Alright, I think that's everything. Enjoy the story.

* * *

 _"Forgveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness."_

 _\- Marianne Williamson_

 **Chapter 1: Judas tree for Betrayal**

When Gin woke up that morning, he knew something was wrong.

He'd woken to an empty bed, sleepily reaching out across the space between the sheets, hoping to find the warmth of Sousuke's body. Instead, he found emptiness. And cold bedsheets. His heart sank, even in the numbed state between sleep and wakefulness. Was it too much to ask to be able to wake up beside the one he loved? Like they had before, at the start of their relationship? Gin sighed. Apparently, for Sousuke, it was. Gin didn't know what happened. Over the past few months the man had been hot and cold with him. All loving and affectionate one day and cold and distant the next. Gin didn't know whether he was coming or going.

 _What did I do wrong?_ Gin wondered, trying not to hurt so much at this new distance between them. _Weren't you happy with me? We were so happy before... what changed? Tell me._

Gin rolled over and buried his face in his lover's pillow, breathing in the smell of his Sousuke.

 _Why won't you tell me? Why do you keep shutting me out and leaving me to wake up alone?_

 _Don't you want me anymore?_

Gin inhaled very deeply and sighed, long and slow. As if it would push all the bad thoughts out of him. Lately, he'd been waking up alone and going to bed alone more and more often. At night, Sousuke stayed working late at the office, despite Gin pleading with him to _come home, come to bed with me,_ and when he did come home it was always after Gin fell asleep. And in the mornings, he left before Gin woke up, so Gin had to shower and eat breakfast alone. A very different scenario from their earlier days – years - together, when they did everything together, were madly in love, and Sousuke couldn't keep his hands off him. Gin had to wonder what he'd done to upset him, to make him act like this. What had changed in that time, to cause this rift? If Sousuke had grown bored of him and found somebody new, like Gin always feared he would.

 _Did you stop loving me? If so, then when?_

Gin let his fingers grasp his lover's pillowcase, feeling a hollow space inside his chest. He half expected Shinsou to make a sarcastic comment, but none were forthcoming. Apparently, even his zanpaktou felt sorry for him. Because Gin had asked his lover the questions, but he hadn't gotten any answers.

After a few minutes, Gin decided to drag himself up and out of bed, because he had to face the day sooner or later. Even if he didn't want to leave the bed, or have to deal with that irritating Hinamori girl giving his lover – no, his _husband –_ googly eyes and flirting with him all the time. It really ground his gears. And the fact that Sousuke did nothing to stop it, either, really stuck the knife in. in fact, thinking about it, Gin wouldn't be at all surprised if Sousuke and that wretched girl were sleeping together.

 _Well,_ Shinsou said calmly, appearing on the bed in the form of a silver fox, reading his master's thoughts, _it would explain why he's been so distant with you._

The thought made Gin pause. _He wouldn't do that... would he?_

Gin could feel Shinsou's eyes on him, studying him. _Why don't you go and find out?_

…

Aizen was already at work at his desk when Gin walked into the office. Gin was surprised the man still looked as handsome as the day they'd met. Though he did miss the days they walked into work together. Sometimes holding hands if no-one was looking. Gin's heart sank further. _Where did we go so wrong?_

 _Are you bored of me already?_

 _If you were sick of me, then why did you marry me? Why did you let me drag you to that church in the human world if you were just gonna do this to me?_

As he walked into the room, Sousuke's eyes lifted up to meet his, and for an instant, it was as if nothing between them had changed. As if they were seeing each other after a long time apart. As if they were still madly in love.

"Hi," Gin greeted his captain. His lover.

"Hey," Sousuke replied gently.

"You left without me."

Sousuke smiled softly, "I didn't want to wake you."

"But you always used to wake me," Gin told him, voice gentle, I liked it when you woke me up."

Gin left out the fact that Sousuke used to wake him up with a kiss every morning, and that it was hands down the best part of his day. But he knew Sousuke would understand what he wasn't saying.

"I miss that." Gin added. And Gin could have sworn he saw a little bit of guilt in the other man's eyes that it had been so long since they'd woken up together.

"I miss that, too."

"We can still go back to that," Gin offered softly, walking the few steps into the room to close the distance between them, "It's not too late."

The man looked back across at him, and Gin knew Sousuke understood what he meant. _It's not too late to save us._

Sousuke sighed softly, "Gin," he began, but that was all he had time to say before _she_ walked in, and their moment had to be postponed.

"Good morning Aizen-Taichou!" Hinamori chirped, striding in cheerfully for another day serving under her beloved captain. It made Gin sick, the way she'd go all gaga over Sousuke. _His_ Sousuke. _His._ Every time she smiled at him, or blushed when he praised her for her work only sparked in Gin an urge to climb his captain like a tree and scream at her when she got too close to him. Which was _often._

"Ah," Sousuke turned his attention to her, completely ignoring Gin for the moment. "Good morning, Hinamori-kun."

She smiled like a giddy schoolgirl at her captain, and Gin's lips curled up into aa snarl. It irritated him. Everything about this irritated him.

"Oh," she said, "Hello, Ichimaru-fukutaichou." she added, as an afterthought. Nervous, because he'd made it quite obvious he didn't like her. Gin scowled at her, and she turned her eyes away from him and fixed her gaze onto Captain Aizen, which made her completely forget her nerves. Gin hated her. But even more than that, he hated the way Sousuke smiled at her. All genuine and _warm_ and so much like the smiles he gave Gin that it made his stomach twist and his heart ache.

 _Why can't he smile like that at_ _ **me**_ _anymore?_

It was Gin who broke the silence. "Hinamori-chan, he called to her, putting on a cordial tone, pretending to be nice. Because his captain had said he disliked it when he was nasty to her. And if he couldn't be nice could he at least _pretend_ to be nice.

"Can ya take Aizen-Taichou's accident reports down to the fourth squad, please?"

He wanted her gone. Vanished. He didn't care where. And since Sousuke refused to transfer her elsewhere into another division, claiming she might be useful, Gin had to make do with making her life as unpleasant as possible. Giving her the most menial of tasks to do, and making veiled, spiteful comments about her. Gin had to admit she'd been easier to deal with at first, because she kept a respectful distance from their captain, possibly due to her great adoration of him. But over time she'd lost that shyness, and she'd only grown closer to him. Sousuke only nurtured this, which only inspired more animosity from Gin the closer she got to him.

Gin didn't know what it was about her that rubbed him the wrong way, but he didn't like her. And the way she was around his Sousuke only made him dislike her more. It was only recently Gin realised why he hated her.

She was like a little flower, feeling the gardener's gentle touch – just like he once had, when Sousuke had given him a red tulip; a declaration of love in the language of flowers. _Their_ language.

She nodded her head. "Yes fukutaichou." and promptly picked up the large pile on the desk and walked carefully out of the office. Trying her hardest not to drop any folders along the way. Gin watched her go with a smile on his face. Perfect. Maybe now he and Sousuke could have that eart-to-heart talk they were about to have before they were so _rudely_ interrupted.

"You didn't have to be so sarcastic to her, you know." Sousuke said to him. Gin just shrugged.

"Why d'ya care? She don't matter."

"So you keep saying."

Gin frowned. Everything about this was wrong. His tone. His distance. His coldness. Didn't they love each other? Where had all that warmth and affection gone? Because Gin wanted it back. If only he knew where to look for it. Where to even start looking...

He sighed. "Where did we go so wrong, Sousuke?"

A pause. Silence stretching out for what felt like an eternity as Sousuke sat looking at him, thinking.

"I don't know."

Gin should have known then, from the look in his lover's eyes. The flash of guilt in those chocolate pools. But he was so desperate to bridge the gulf between them, that he didn't see it.

"I want to fix it." Gin told him. Frank. Honest.

A smile from Sousuke. A soft one. Warm.

Progress.

"I do, too." Another pause, long and drawn out, "But-"

Gin never heard what came after that _But-"_ because Momo made her reappearance. Bursting into the room the way she did, full of girlish enthusiasm. Innocent to what she'd just walked in on. Part of Gin, the rational part, knew she didn't mean to keep walking in on them and their important conversations. But the bigger part of him, the jealous, bitter, paranoid and hateful part, absolutely _loathed_ her for it.

And that part of him wasn't shy about expressing it, either.

"Aizen-taichou, I'm back!" she called out cheerfully. Grating on Gin's last nerve. It was always Aizen-Taichou this and Aizen-Taichou that. It made him sick. Gin rounded on her, a snarl on his lips,

"Ya know, Hinamori, ya really need ta piss off!" he hissed. His voice full of spite and malice that shocked her so much she had a very bewildered and offended look on her face.

"But..." she protested weakly, tears welling up in her eyes. This animosity, after all, had come from nowhere to her. "But why? What have I done?"

"What _haven't_ ya done?"

" _Gin,"_ Aizen reprimanded him, his tone firm and authorative. A captain's voice. "Stop harassing her. There is no need to be cruel."

Gin's gaze turned to him, incredulous and angry. He couldn't respond to the scolding without saying something he'd regret. So, pressing his lips together to keep them shut, he turned and walked out.

He hadn't known that was his first mistake. Leaving the two of them together. Quietly fuming as he stalked out to the division gardens and plonked down on one of the wooden benches under a tree. Huffing angrily as he sat down. In hindsight, he could have handled her intrusion a lot better, in a much more dignified manner that didn't make him look like a petulant child. But he let his emotions get the better of him. Again.

 _What's wrong with me?_ He wondered, face in his hands gaze wandering over to a clump of stinging nettles. _Cruelty_ in the flower language. _How can he love me if I'm like this?_ _Why do I always let her bring out this spitefulness out of me? Or was I always this spiteful and nasty?_

Gin inhaled deeply and breathed out slowly. He was inclined to believe it, that he was truly, deep down, a nasty piece of work. That he was a bitter, spiteful, nasty, manipulative, jealous, possessive person.

It probably stemmed from the early days of his relationship with Sousuke, when the man kept eyeing up potential sexual partners, and Gin had to fight so hard just to keep his attention. Play his game just to keep him intrigued, which took the form of a conversation in the Victorian language of flowers. The days when everyone Sousuke even spoke a single word to was a threat. No matter what Ran said about the man loving him, about being able to see the signs from space he loved Gin. No matter what everybody else said.

And then there was the huge fight Gin had to put up just to get the man to say the words he so craved.

Gin closed his eyes and allowed his mind to wander over the memory.

" _Say it." Gin pleaded, closing the space between them. His hand finding his lover's face. "It's just three words. It's easy. I've said it. Just say it. Say it and break this spell you've cast on me."_

 _Gin eliminated the space between them and pressed his entire body against his lover's. His arms working their way around Sousuke's neck. Aizen's hands found Gin's hips as Gin pulled him in for a kiss._

" _Say you love me." Gin breathed when they parted._

" _Gin-"_

" _Please." Gin begged, fingers burying themselves in his lover's thick, dark hair. "Please."_

 _Aizen's only response was to pull Gin close again and crush their lips together._

" _My mind is yours, my body is yours, my heart is yours." he said, "The universe is yours if you ask me for it. Isn't that enough?"_

Gin sighed again. Wondering when the gulf between them had grown so large. Was it then? When he refused to say those words? Or before, when they'd had the back-and-forth with the flowers? Moving pieces on a mental chessboard most people wouldn't see.

Yes, it was undoubtedly the mental chessboard that brought them close initially, but Sousuke must have seen something in him he liked, otherwise he wouldn't have kept Gin around.

" _I wanna know what ya like 'bout me."_ Gin had demanded of him, _"I mean, ya could have anyone. Why me?"_

 _Sousuke gave him one of his most charming smiles as he set down his wine glass carefully. "Well," he began, resting his chin in his hand with his elbow on the table, "Because you're you."_

 _Gin smiled and shook his head. "That aint an answer."_

" _it is." Sousuke pressed. "Does love need a reason?"_

 _Gin fought down his frustrated sigh. "Then... can ya be more specific?" Gin pressed, genuinely seeking an answer to his question. "What is it about me you like?"_

 _Sousuke's smile softened considerably. "Well, if you want a list," he said gently, "You're clever, you're beautiful, you're very caring – I can see that from your close relationship with Rangiku-san. You have an appreciation for fine music, you're ambitious. And..." he paused, letting the words register and take effect, "You're passionate."_

 _Gin digested the words for a moment, before he spoke again._

" _You can tell I'm passionate?"_

" _Well, I'd say the kiss you gave me was very passionate." The words were punctuated with a lazy, soft smile, and Gin had to smile back._

Gin sighed, the memory fading away. Thinking back over it all now, Gin realised even that had been just another move on the chessboard. And the chessboard was the only reason they were married.

The chessboard had taken even that away from him. Infused every happy memory of Sousuke with doubt and uncertainty.

 _I should go an' apologise,_ he thought, _There weren't no need fer me to be nasty. Just cuz me and Sousuke are havin' problems don't mean I can take it out on 'er. Even if I do hate her. It's just... I just lose it whenever I see the way she looks at him. Like... like..._

 _Like I do._

 _Like he's Helios, god of the sun._

He managed a smile at that. _But I guess she can't help it. I certainly couldn't, all those years ago. Ya can't help but love him._

Gin glanced to the left of him and spied a gorse plant, covered in bright yellow flowers and dark green leaves that resembled spines. _Enduring affection_ in the language of flowers. He smiled at the plant and what t stood for in their language and stood, brushing the dust off his clothes.

 _I should do somethin' nice fer him,_ Gin thought, _to show him I still care. That I still love him. That we can fix this. Fix_ _ **us**_ _. Because it's not too late. It's not. I don't care what people say, what they whisper behind me back. That he's had enough of me, that leopards can't change their spots._

Gin allowed his smile to widen. Yes, that's what he'd do. Go to the town and get him that elegant chessboard with the pretty glass pieces he'd been eyeing for weeks, not listening to Gin's encouragements to get it. To treat himself. So he set off walking into the town. Deciding he'd make a peace offering of it, thinking that if the game had brought them together in the first place, maybe it could bridge the gap between them.

Or at the very least, it could give them an opportunity to talk and sort out their issues.

…

Gin hugged the box containing the glass chessboard close to his chest as he made the walk back through the Seireitei. It was early evening now. He hadn't intended to be out for so _long,_ but he'd admittedly been waylaid by a skiving Rangiku and been practically pushed into the nearest pub for a few drinks and a catchup before he could make it back to Sousuke in the office. When he saw how late it was getting on his way back, he'd abandoned his original plan of surprising the man with a cooked meal and his gift, and instead opted to meet him after he'd finished work for the day instead. That way they could walk home together and try to rekindle some intimacy. Reignite the spark they'd lost. Even just holding hands would be a step in the right direction.

Gin looked up at the bug clocktower in the square as he came back to the Gotei Thirteen barracks.

 _Hm, six o clock. Bet that fool's workin' late again._

Shinsou snorted somewhere in the back of his mind.

 _Hah. Yeah. "working."_ he remarked, and Gin could feel his scepticism. His sarcasm.

 _Must you be so negative?_ Gin asked him.

 _Must you be so naïve?_ The zanpaktou countered.

Gin bristled at the question, but chose to ignore it and say nothing.

 _You_ _ **knew**_ _what he was like when you_ _ **met**_ _him._ Shinsou ventured further, trying to steer Gin's thoughts towards suspicion, where they should be. But Gin was stubbornly clinging onto his hope. His illusion. _You_ _ **knew**_ _he was a gameplayer, that he slept around. **Used** people. What makes you think you're different? _

Gin stopped, taken aback by the question. _He said he loved me._ Gin thought, remembering Sousuke's promise to him. _You won't be like the others, he said._

 _He may well love you,_ Shinsou told him softly, _But leopards can't change their spots._

Gin sucked in a breath. _You won't be like the others._ Had that been a lie? Had _everything_ been a lie?

No. he refused to believe it. Refused to even consider the possibility. Sousuke loved him. He'd said so. But even so... even so, the doubt crept back into his mind. And no matter how many times Gin tried, it just would not vacate. So it stayed, and grew, and festered into something awful inside him in the form of a simple question: _what if?_

 _What if he's cheating? What if he lied to me? What if I'm not and I look like a paranoid fool? What will I do if he is?_

Round and round the questions swirled in his head, circling like sharks. Like vultures. Devouring every other thought, every idea, until the only image left in his mins was of them together. His Sousuke and Hinamori Momo, fucking each other on the captain's desk, laughing at him. Sousuke purring in her ear, " _Don't worry, he won't find out."_

Gin grit his teeth together and quickened his pace.

…

It wasn't hard to find them. After all, Sousuke's reiatsu called out to him whevever he was, and since Hinamori practically worshipped her beloved Aizen-taichou, it was safe to assume she was with him, using any excuse to stay by his side for just a little bit longer. Not knowing she loved an illusion. Not knowing that Gin had known and loved the real Aizen Sousuke for just over seven decades now. For seventy beautiful years. Seventy-five if he counted it from the day they met, though they had only a normal teacher-student relationship during that time. Momo Hinamori had known him for all of five minutes in comparison, so what did she know about the man? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Well, okay, maybe she knew how he took his tea, but that was all. She didn't know what his favourite kind of tea was, or that he always slept with the windows open. She didn't know he had a weakness for chocolate, or the brownies Gin made sometimes. She didn't know he always slept with Kyouka Suigetsu within easy reach, just in case, or that he liked to creep up behind Gin and wrap those arms around his waist, kissing Gin's neck. She didn't know that in bed, he liked to come in from the rear, just to infuriate Gin. She didn't know that he was a pianist or a composer either, or that he spoke the language of flowers so fluently he could hold entire conversations with it, that he'd taught Gin that language, too.

No. Momo Hinamori knew absolutely nothing about Aizen Sousuke. Nothing at all. And Gin would be damned if he let someone like that take Sousuke away from him. Even for just one night of trivial, meaningless sex. Because Gin didn't like to share his things. But more than that, because Sousuke promised he would be faithful.

Gin prayed he still was as he walked up the steps to the fifth division offices.

…

It was quiet as Gin walked through the deserted barracks, passing empty offices and training rooms on his way. Too quiet. So it went without saying that Gin was already suspicious. Shinsou had always instilled in him the belief that silence of any kind warranted suspicion. A belief that Sousuke only reinforced. So Gin crept along the empty corridors on silent hunters feet. A venomous snake in search of his chosen prey. Even though it had been so long since Gin had thought of sousuke as prey, he found he could easily slip into the role of predator. Although admittedly it was growing more and more difficult to push aside the fear that he might find the two of them together. A fear that clawed at his throat and his insides and kept him permanently on a knife's edge. That made his heart thump so loudly he feared Sousuke would hear it even from so far away.

Gin swallowed the lump in his throat. His body uncharacteristically breaking out into a cold sweat. He wiped his sweaty palms and fingers on his uniform and proceeded at a faster pace. Because although part of him felt only horror at what he might find, another larger part was simply desperate to get this over with. To open up the box and find out if Schroedinger's cat was alive or dead, just to spare himself the agony of _not_ knowing.

That was part of why he'd brought the chessboard with him. Because if he were wrong, if his suspicions were indeed unfounded, from the outside it would look like Gin sought Sousuke out merely to give him the thoughtful gift. And if the unthinkable happened... well... Gin could always smash the glass board and all it's pieces and let Sousuke clean up the mess.

He heard the whimper as he approached the door to the captain's office. A soft, feminine noise, abruptly followed by the deep groan of a man. Gin halted, sucked in a breath, and braced himself. He'd only taken one more step when the girl gave a soft, sensual sigh. Sousuke's soft chuckle followed, a sound he knew all too well.

"You make delightful sounds," Sousuke said. And Gin froze, blood running cold, because Sousuke had said the exact same thing to him when they were in bed together.

 _You make the most delightful sounds, Gin. Let's see if I can draw some more of them out of you._

Gin shoved the memories away. While he cherished them, this was neither the time or place to be thinking of them. He shook his head to free himself of the memories and reached for the doorhandle. Pausing. Hesitant. Because he knew what he'd see when he opened it.

Shinsou noticed his hesitation. _Gin,_ he called pleadingly, _You don't have to go in there. We both know what you'll find. You should just go. Take the chessboard and just go home._

But Gin still didn't move.

 _Gin..._ Shinsou begged again, but his thought died off into silence. Gin knew that despite his earlier snarkiness, Shinsou was only trying to protect him. Save him from getting his heart broken. But there were some things even Shinsou couldn't protect him from. And besides that, Gin needed to see it with his own eyes, whatever was happening behind that door. So there wouldn't be any doubts in his mind.

 _Gin, just go home. You already know... just go home._ _ **Please...**_ _It's only going to break your heart._

Gin took in a deep breath to steady himself. _I_ _ **can't.**_ He told his zanpaktou. _If he's betrayin' me, I hafta see it. I hafta see it wi' me own eyes._

Shinsou sighed in defeat. It seemed nothing would change Gin's mind. He might have fought harder, argued more, but forbidden to interfere with free will, there was nothing he could do.

 _Alright,_ the spirit said softly, _but don't say I didn't warn you._

Gin breathed in and out slowly, trying to still the erratic thumping of his heart. To stop it jumping out of his mouth and splatting onto the floor. Swallowing thickly in an attempt to gather his courage and clear his throat, he managed to still the shaking of his hands for just long enough to slide the door open a crack just large enough to see through, and braced himself for the sting of betrayal he knew he would feel when he saw them together.


	2. Peonies for anger

Updating on my birthday! (July 12th). This has never happened before. Really though i'm just updating to put off the rest of Heir and the "devil came through here" arc I have planned, because it isn't a happy arc. And i'd like to write one happy ending before we get there.

There's a lot of crossover with Heir in this chapter, as well as Game flashbacks (and with ch15 of Game being the most current update as of writing this, these are spoilers), and the references please me.

 **Chapter 2: Peonies for anger**

The sight of the two of them together sent a stab of pain through his heart, just like he'd anticipated. He did not, however, anticipate just how much it would hurt him to see it. It was as if Sousuke were holding a revolver pointed right at his chest, and fired a bullet right through his heart with an almighty bang.

Gin could see them together through the inch of space between the edge of the door and the wall. His eyes opening a crack at he peered in at them. He could see Sousuke, _his_ Sousuke, his lover, fucking Hinamori Momo. He had her wrists pinned above her head, so she couldn't move to touch him, as she lay on her back on his desk, legs spread wide for him like a whore, moaning like a slut as he pushed in and out of her. His free hand not holding her wrists down wandering freely over her exposed breasts, small though they were. Gin's gaze trailed from their faces, over her body, and down to the dark curls covering his lover's nether regions.

The sight made Gin's breath catch. Made his heart skip a beat and lurch inside his ribcage. "Oh gods," he whispered. Finding himself wobbling, he had to hold onto the wall for support. His free hand covering his mouth just fo he wouldn't scream. Not that he could produce any sound. His throat was closing up, strangling his voice and rendering him silent. His body going into shock.

 _How can he touch her?_ Gin wondered, _How can he touch her instead of me?_

 _Am I so disgusting he'd rather make love to her?_

His legs were shaking now, too. Threatening to buckle under him. The way she'd touched him, smiled at him were enough to raise his suspicions. But this... this betrayal...

 _Doesn't he love me anymore?_

Another of her moans drifted into his ears, and Gin took a shaky step backwards, feeling sick. Resisting the urge to run. He knew he should be angry, cause a fuss, make a scene, but his body was dumb and unmoving. And there was no fire, no vitriol in his blood. Just a gaping maw of sadness in his chest as he watched them.

 _Gin..._ Shinsou called to him, but he didn't hear it.

He took a second step back, but carefully. Movement might make a noise, and noise would only lead to him being discovered, which would only force him into a confrontation he didn't want to face. Not yet. Because how could he walk in there, all rage, spewing vitriol, when his heart had been broken into a thousand pieces? The shards of it still digging into his soft insides?

Instead, he made himself take slow, silent steps away, only breaking out into a run when he was far enough away that they wouldn't hear him. He ran far and fast, his limbs moving like puppet limbs, in his attempt to outrun the whole situation. Feeling as if it were happening to somebody else. Or that it was all a dream, a nightmare, and he'd wake up any second now. Breathing growing more and more difficult with every stride.

Because it didn't seem real. Any of it.

…

He only slowed to a stop when it grew even more laborious to breathe, so much so that it was painful. When every step, every breath, sent agony shooting through his chest. And as he slowed, Gin cursed his stupid failing body, because if he stopped moving, he'd only think about what happened. Them. Together. And if he thought about it, he'd only hurt more. And his heart was already caving in inside his chest – the rest of his world didn't need to follow suit.

But Gin couldn't outrun it forever. And eventually, his body couldn't continue, and he came to rest beneath a large cherry blossom tree right on the outskirts of town. He leant against the trunk of it, palm against the rough bark, trying to breathe. Sucking air into his lungs, panting heavily. Trying to count to ten, or whatever people did when their world spun wildly out of control and crumbled around them. When it cracked under their feet.

He pressed the palm of his hand onto the cool bark of the tree and let the tree support him. It gave him something solid to hold onto while everything he'd ever known and believed collapsed about him.

His lunch made its reappearance when he got to three. His stomach cramping violently as his stomach forcibly ejected its contents onto the dirt. He tried to breathe, taking in deep lungfuls of air that tasted of vomit. Wishing he at least had some water to swill the vile taste out of his mouth. He was failing to do this simple task, to breathe, but he tried anyway. Mind processing this new and startling piece of information. That his lover, his spouse, had been having an affair. And that's when the tears, finally, came.

Because all Gin ever wanted, all he'd asked for was love and respect. Things Aizen Sousuke had given him. Things Aizen Sousuke had shattered today.

 _How could he?_ Gin sobbed, _To me? To us?_

Their first time together crept into Gin's brain. Awkward lips. Clumsy hands. Alcohol, wine. Pain. Pleasure. The soft kisses after. The way he moaned Gin's name with enough passion to set the world on fire. The slow and gentle pace. Raking his fingernails across Sousuke's back in an attempt to get closer. Impaled on the man's lap in a sitting position and looking into those eyes. The world could have gone to ruin, and Gin would not have cared.

 _You won't be like the others, he'd said. But I am, aren't I? I'm just like everybody else he's ever been with. Screwed over and heartbroken. Heart ripped out and thrown aside._

 _Who was I, thinkin' that I could be somebody different?_

 _Liar. Fucking liar. All he does is lie._

Gin squeezed his eyes shut, a futile attempt to block out the image of them, bodies united. Glued at the groin.

 _Why was I so fuckin' stupid? Falling for him? I knew he were bad news from the start. But still..._

Gin collapsed into series of bone wracking sobs, feeling nothing but gutwrenching emptiness. If only he could get that time back. Build a time machine and go back and stop any of this from happening. Stop himself from being so stupid and pursuing anything with Aizen Sousuke at all.

He gulped in air, knowing he should try and breathe slowly. But it wasn't happening. Not today. Not when his worst fears of being replaced were realised.

 _I should have known._ He berated himself. _I should have_ _ **known**_ _this would happen from the start. I feel like a_ _ **fool**_ _._

 _Another notch on your bedpost. Like ya planned. Aint that right, Sousuke?_

Gin sniffed, sinking down onto the dirt – on the other side of the tree to the vomit – and sat with his back against the tree, hugging his knees to his chest, weeping bitter, ugly tears until the evening grew cold. He cried himself out, knowing he had to get a grip and pull himself together. But his head was still reeling. Somewhere in his mind, he knew he needed to go home, to find privacy, weep in his own home, alone. But his body wouldn't move.

It was only the paranoia of what people would say if they found him here, in this state, that drove him to his feet. Made him force his shaky legs to take his weight and walk the long, circuitous route home. A route that kept him as far away from the both of them as possible. Because Gin sure as hell wasn't ready to face either of the. Not yet. Especially her. The bitch who'd weaseled her way into Sousuke's bed.

 _All I ever did, I did for him. And now..._ Gin took a deep breath. Slow and shaky. _Now he's... he's fucking Hinamori Momo, of all people._

Gin grit his teeth and swallowed. Anger steadily merging with the hurt he'd been feeling. That he still felt.

It explained why he'd been distant.

Hinamori Momo.

He'd known she was trouble.

From the first time he met her, he'd suspected she'd try to steal Sousuke from him. Sousuke had brushed the concerns aside, assuring Gin there was nothing to worry about. _It is you I love,_ he'd said. But Gin wasn't so sure. Come to think of it, when had he ever been sure of Sousuke's feelings for him? It was part of what prompted him to marry Sousuke. So he could be sure. So he could have that commitment. So he would know, and Sousuke would know, they belonged to each other. So he could get one over on all of Sousuke's other lovers, and rub it in Hinamori Momo's face that the man was _his_.

But that hadn't stopped him imagining Sousuke wanting her. Wanting her far more than he'd wanted Gin. A thought that filled him with more than enough unease.

So much unease, that Gin had to remind himself, on numerous occasions, that Sousuke called him beautiful. On numerous occasions throughout their time together. Though the one he most frequently called to mind was that time in Sousuke's bathroom, when the man had him from behind. _Gin had to grip onto the sink just to remain upright, to not collapse or melt into a puddle with the pleasure the man was giving him. Sousuke had asked him, no ordered him, to look in the mirror._

" _Look at yourself. Look."_

 _And Gin had done as he was told. Saw their reflections. Both of them naked, flushed with the heat of sex, glued together at the groin. Gin had looked away, embarrassed, but those fingers found him and gently turned his face upwards to look again._

" _Beautiful. You're beautiful."_

" _I'm not." Gin answered him._

" _You are."_

Gin frowned. _I was a fool. I had two qualities he desired. Availability and willingness. Gods, Sousuke, I feel so dumb. So dumb fer lettin' you in in the first place._

 _Because it was just a game, wasn't it? That's all it ever was. It was a game and you were only playing with me. And like a dope, I fell for it._

 _..._

When Gin opened the door to his home – _their -_ home, reality hit. And it hit hard, robbing the very air from his lungs. He found his gaze wandering over everything in their house. Books, mugs, photographs of the two of them together. Gin moved through the living room and picked one up. It was one of his favourites, though it was taken so very long ago. Rangiku had taken it, after wrangling herself one of those new cameras from the human world and forced them together so she could photograph the new happy couple. Gin's smile was embarrassed, awkward. Sousuke's smile was easy, confident. Clearly the man was used to attention even back then. But they were happy, then. Rangiku even had it framed for them. Gin stared at the photograph, a sigh on his lips. The people in it were young, in love, close.

He no longer recognised the two people in the picture.

What happened to them?

How was it that in so little time they'd already grown so far apart?

Gin let out another soft sigh, as if it would force all the despair inside him. Finding himself wondering, _is everything a lie? This life we built together, is any of it real?_

Something in his gut told him it was, though his head screamed otherwise, and that was the only thing that kept him still, that helped him to fight the urge to escape again. To run. Run far. Walk out the door and never look back. It was this gut feeling that helped him restrain himself. Tell himself not to do anything rash. Quietly, he set the photograph back down in its place on the sideboard, beside a candid shot of them both sharing a kiss and walked into the kitchen. He boiled the kettle, made a cup of tea to warm his cold bones, and then sat at the kitchen table, waiting for Sousuke to come back, taking small scalding sips of tea while he waited.

...

It was hours later when the man finally came home. Stinking of sex and _her_. Gin waited, listening to him open and close the door, walk into the house. Gin took a deep, slow breath in and blew it out through his mouth. _Stay calm._ He commanded himself. _Don't do anything rash._ But the anger, the _vitriol,_ began bubbling up inside him, hot and poisonous, threatening to overwhelm him. Thankfully he'd set his Shinsou down in the other room so he wouldn't do anything stupid. Striking one's superior officer was a punishable offence. And lover or not, if Sousuke was indeed bored and wanted rid of him, Gin would be punished for raising his zanpaktou against him.

Gin heard the man approach him, walking into the kitchen, and Gin kept his eyes on his empty dinner plate on the table in front of him.

"Hello, Gin," Sousuke greeted him, as if nothing had happened. And that was what made Gin snap and throw the dinner plate at him _._ Shattering it against the door. Narrowly missing his head by inches.

" _You_ _ **whore**_ _!_ " Gin screamed, launching a second plate, smashing it. Because how dare he act like he hadn't done what he did. How dare he pretend everything was normal. "You fucking prick!"

"Gin, what is all this about?"

"You know what this's about!" Gin spouted, "You. Fucking that Hinamori bitch." Gin's breaths heaved in and out of him, as he forced himself to breathe through the rage. "You, selfish, _fucking_ prick! Of all the selfish things ya coulda done, this is the worst. The _worst!"_

Sousuke just stared dumbly back at him. Either shocked at Gin's reaction of simply not caring about the pain he'd caused. Probably both.

"Was I not good enough?" Gin asked, bitter. Spiteful. Hurt. "Was I not-" Gin launched the mug on the table at him, hurled it with great force. "- _enough_ for you?!"

The mug crashed against the wall, missing Sousuke by some distance. Gin cursed his poor aim as he watched Sousuke open and close his mouth, trying to find words. Watched him fail to. "Gin..."

Gin waited for more as the silent seconds ticked by. _He's not even going to deny it._ He realised. _He's not even gonna fight for me. Say he was a fool. Profess he loves me. Beg my forgiveness._

 _I mean nothing to him. Less than nothing._

Gin felt numb, empty. _Hollow._ Like all of his insides had been scooped out of him. He stood, turned, and opened the kitchen cupboards, wanting, needing, more projectiles to throw at Sousuke's face.

"Gin, let me explain."

"What's there to explain?" Gin wheeled around, mug in hand, ready to launch, "I saw you. With her. Mak-" he paused, reconsidering his choice of words, "-fucking."

"Gin," Sousuke began, perhaps wanting to explain himself. Searching for an excuse, maybe. But Gin never gave him the chance. "don't talk to me." he spat. "Asshole."

"But Gin," Sousuke pleaded, in a half-desperate tone that made Gin's heart twist inside him.

"I said _don't talk to me!"_ Gin screamed, throwing another mug. Another plate. Both misses.

"How could you?" Gin sobbed, tears beginning to fall now. _Great, now I'm crying. I'm not supposed ta be crying. I'm supposed to be angry. Enraged. Furious. At him. At myself for being so fuckin' stupid and falling fer his crap. For believing he could ever love me._

Gin watched the emotions play across Sousuke's face. In his eyes. Among them, Gin saw hurt, real hurt, register on his lovers face. Once upon a time Gin might have cared. But not now. The man forfeited the right to feel hurt when he fucked her. When he broke his heart. Destroyed their seven decades together.

"No." Gin snapped at him, "Don't you look at me like that. Like it hurts you when I cry. No. You don't get to feel hurt that I'm upset. You did this to me. _You_. When you. Fucked. Her."

Silence pervaded the air around them. And Gin waited. Waited for an explanation that never came.

"Not even gonna protest it were a one time thing?" Gin asked, slightly incredulous. But he shouldn't have been surprised. His lover had been distant for _months._ And now Gin knew he meant less than nothing to him. "Where else did it happen? In our bed?"

"It didn't happen in our bed."

But Gin just shook his head slowly, not believing him. Gin couldn't believe anything he said anymore.

Sousuke walked over to him, arms outstretched as he closed the distance between them. But Gin didn't want the man anywhere near him. Instead, he turned his back to Sousuke, reached for the nearest piece of crockery in the cupboard, and whirled back around, ready to launch it. The one he grabbed ended up being Sousuke's favourite mug. The one Gin bought for him, with a black outline of a sleeping cat painted on it, _because they didn' have any foxes,_ Gin told him, smiling when he handed it over _._ One of his first gifts. The one Sousuke used every morning. Cherished. Looked after. Cleaned after every use. Gin stared at it for a moment, hesitating. _If I throw this..._ his breath caught in his throat. _Then it's really over._

It was then that Sousuke rediscovered his voice. "Gin." he pleaded, "I'm so, so sorry. She means nothing to me. Nothing. You are the only one I love. Please understand that."

But it was too little, too late. And Gin closed his ears off to the words. Tuning him out.

Gin threw the mug. It missed Sousuke's head by a mere inch. And Gin cursed his poor aim. Again.

"Then _why_ do it?" Gin demanded, his voice a hoarse scream, "Do I mean _nothing_ to you?!"

"Gin-"

Gin snarled, threw another bowl. Another mug. Both crashing to pieces. Like his whole world. "Does our marriage mean nothing to you?" he asked, his voice sounding sad and pathetic to even his own ears. Gin scowled. He wanted to sound angry. Instead he sounded heartbroken. "I mean..." he laughed. An odd sound. A desperate lunatic's laughter. "I get it, we were kinda drunk, and you weren't serious about it. I know you were jus' runnin' along wit' it because I wanted it... but still..."

Sousuke looked at him like a wounded animal. A kicked puppy. Gin knew the words had hit their mark, and that the hurt Sousuke felt at those words was real. Gin's heart lurched inside his chest. Because he knew, too, Sousuke had chosen to wed him. Chosen to make him happy. Make him smile. And a small part of Gin hated himself for the lie.

"Gin." Sousuke protested, and Gin knew he was remembering it. "I wanted to marry you. I love you. I wanted to make you happy."

Gin remembered that night, too.

" _Sousuke!" he called to his lover, "Let's get married!"_

" _What?" He'd laughed, "Now?"_

" _Yes, now!" Gin grinned back at him, face flushed from the wine, "C'mon, I saw a church on the way here."_

 _Sousuke smiled indulgently at him. Gaze soft and warm and loving."Alright, then. If it'll make you happy."_

 _Gin's face, cracked into the widest, sweetest smile physically possible. A smile so wide it hurt his face. "Perfect!" And then Gin grabbed his wrist and ran, laughing, dragging Sousuke behind him, all the way back to the little church Gin spied right at the beginning of their walk._

Gin studied his face, his features, and knew he was telling the truth. And as for making Gin happy; he _did._ But now, even though they were standing only a few steps away from each other, it felt like a chasm had grown between them. An unbreachable gap, too wide to cross.

"Gin," Sousuke offered again, "I'm so sorry. I never should have touched her..."

"You're damn right you shouldn't!" Gin wailed and Sousuke had to dodge another breakable projectile flying through the air at his face.

"Stand still so I can fucking hit you!" Gin screamed, and promptly burst into a fit of sobbing.

"Gin, I'm sorry."

" _Liar!"_ Gin spat, "Fucking liar... you aren't sorry." Gin wailed. By now his legs wouldn't support him any more, and all of his rage gave way to sadness, despite his best efforts to stay angry. He wanted to stay angry. If he stayed angry it would be easier to deal with the sad, kicked puppy expression on Sousuke's face. Instead, his stupid body didn't have the energy. So, slowly, heart imploding, he slumped onto the floor. Hands holding his head, covering his face, so Sousuke wouldn't see him cry.

"Do I mean _nothing_ to you?"

Sousuke's voice was calm, and sad. "You mean everything to me."

 _Please, Sousuke, don't you look into my eyes and lie again. I can't handle it._

"No I don't." Gin sniffed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. "You said you loved me. You obviously don't. Because you don't... _hurt_ the one you love."

 _All that work to make him want me,_ Gin thought sadly, _Gone. All that effort spend playing his game, wasted. All that back-and-forth with the flowers..._

Gin could sense Sousuke take the few steps towards him, feel the man stand over him. Gin didn't move. Sousuke crouched down, so he was at Gin's level, and ever so gently took a hold of his wrists and prised Gin's hands away from his face. So they could truly look at each other. So their eyes could meet. Sousuke slowly, gently, lowered Gin's hands and held them. Gin stared dumbly at him. It was a familiar feeling, Sousuke's hands holding his. Comforting. Familiar.

"I never meant to hurt you." Sousuke said softly.

"But you did." Gin answered, his voice full of desperate sadness. "You did."

"I'm so sorry, Gin."

Gin sniffed and took a breath in. trying to recompose himself. "Why, Sousuke?" he pleaded, desperate for an answer he knew he'd never get. "How could you? To me? To _us?_ I don't understand..."

Gin fell to weeping then, too tired to care if the man saw or not. It didn't matter, anyway. Sousuke had seen him cry before. "Why?" he repeated, "Why?"

 _Was the love I gave a joke to you?_

 _Were you sick of the love I gave you?_

 _Was I just a game to you?_

But the only answer Gin got was the feeling of warm arms around him, and he jolted. Body stiffening and tensing. Because those were arms he didn't want. Arms that cheated. Arms that didn't love him anymore. Gin fought him, pounding his fists on the man's chest, to get him to stop holding him. Stop being so gentle. Stop loving him. Though weak and exhausted as he was, he didn't succeed.

"No!" Gin barked instead, "Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me. No!"

But Sousuke fought him, holding onto him tightly, until finally, Gin just gave up and cried into his chest, listening to him apologise, over and over again. Profess love to him, over and over. Beg forviveness. Profess he was a fool. And plead that Hinamori Momo meant absolutely nothing at all.


	3. Gladiolus to say You pierce my heart

**Since this is a part of a huge as series: There's a full list of heirverse stories on my profile for ease of access now, with links to the stories. So nobody has to go trawling through my old stuff, if you wanna keep up with me in this universe :) because it's just getting huge now. [I'll try and keep the list updated as I add more stories]**

Trying to get my big backlog of updates typed and updated.

Notes: continued emotional distress, gun/bullet/revolver/gladiolus imagery I will carry/am carrying through to the rest of the Heirverse series, continued use of the Victorian flower language, and Story cross references everywhere. SO many echoes and mirrors in this one.

Ugh. There's so many happy Game scenes in such a sad and hurtful context throughout this story :( I mean, I know how this one ends. But still. It hurts me. Anyway, enjoy the story.

 **Chapter 3: Gladiolus to say "You pierce my heart"**

Feeling his eyes finally dry, and the last of his sobs wrack his exhausted body, Gin pushed off of Sousuke and untangled himself from the man's embrace. Having returned to his senses, he no longer wanted to be touched or even held by the traitor. Frankly, it was too much for his heart to even be in the same room. He pushed Sousuke's arms aside firmly as he moved to stand up.

"I'm okay," he said, wiping his nose with the back of his hand, "I'm okay. You can get off me now."

Sousuke let him go and kept a respectful distance as Gin heaved himself to his feet. Pointedly ignoring Sousuke's outstretched hand offering to help him up. Gin frowned as he dusted himself off, folding his arms across his chest.

"You don't want me to touch you." Sousuke said softly. A statement, not a question. Gin kept his gaze down on the floor, not wanting to address the wounded expression on Sousuke's face, or the hurt in his voice.

"An' what _possible_ reason could I have for wantin' ta touch you?" Gin answered quietly, too tired to lace his voice with much venom.

"Fair point." Sousuke replied. "I take it you feel a little better?"

Gin shook his head slowly. Too tired to even cry anymore.

"Gin," Sousuke called to him again, full of concern. "Are you okay?"

Gin wished he'd stop being so considerate. Stop caring how he felt. Stop being the man he fell in love with. Didn't he understand that just made it all so much harder to deal with? So much worse? Gin could only take a deep breath in and sigh in answer.

"Sousuke," he said tiredly, "I aint okay. Don't ask me such stupid questions."

For a moment, Sousuke was silent.

"You're right," he said. Head down. Agreeing. "I'm sorry."

Gin had to grit his teeth. _Stop apologising!_ He wanted to scream. Because a cold and callous Aizen would be so much easier to deal with. So much easier to walk away from. This Aizen Sousuke, who cared about him, _loved him,_ would be so much harder to cut free from his heart and his life. It was Sousuke, though, who broke the silence.

"Come on, let's go to bed. You look exhausted." he said softly, looking as if he'd have some trouble resisting the urge to put an arm around his lover's shoulders. Or, ex-lover's. Gin didn't know which, and he didn't have the physical or mental energy to puzzle it out.

"I _feel_ exhausted." Gin admitted. Finally numb now. The events of the day – particularly the screaming, throwing things, crying – had drained him. Sapped away every last drop of his energy. In fact, it surprised Gin that he was somehow still on his feet. He felt like he should have dropped on the floor from exhaustion already. But he supposed that part would come very soon when he settled down for the night. Gin did have a vague thought that he should be ashamed of his behaviour, that he could have handled things very differently and acted like someone of his rank of lieutenant should have acted. But it was fleeting. And Gin was far too heartbroken and exhausted to care.

"I should sleep. Me body feels like it's made outta lead." _An'_ _I'll have lots of time to figure out what to do about this tomorrow._

Sousuke nodded. Face unsmiling. Gin studied him, taking in the concern in his eyes and the worry lines on his face. _Yer concerned even now about me, aren't ya? An' it jus' breaks my heart._

 _Why're ya makin' this so hard for me? You lied. You cheated. You should wanna be shot of me, be cold. Be cruel. But you aren't. Ya still love me... at least I think ya still love me. Ya still care at least, if ya don't love me no more._

Sousuke's voice cut through his thoughts. "Let's go to bed, Gin. We can discuss this in the morning."

Gin wasn't sure how to feel about that. But he nodded, too tired and too empty to argue.

"A'ight. But I'm not sleepin' next to you after what you did."

Gin met his eyes, then, and caught a glimpse of hurt – real hurt – cross Sousuke's face. But it passed quickly. As if he suddenly remembered that he shouldn't have the audacity to feel hurt right now.

"That's fair." Aizen said, "I'll take the sofa, then."

"No," Gin said, shaking his head. "I will. I aint sleepin' in a place where you fucked her."

Aizen sighed deeply, clearly frustrated with not being believed. "I never..." he paused, collected himself, stopping himself from arguing his case. "It never happened in our bed."

Gin studied him, skeptical. Uncertain. _You say that, but how can I trust you now? How can I ever trust you again?_

Aizen sighed tiredly, resigned to Gin's distrust. "I'll get the spare pillows and duvet for you."

Gin held up his hand to stop him. "No, it's okay, I'll get them."

"Alright," Sousuke said softly, "Goodnight, Gin."

Gin didn't answer him, ignoring him. Instead, he just walked past him into their bedroom to get the spare duvet and pillows, not even bothering to say goodnight. Because _goodnight's_ to Gin were for people he loved. And Gin wasn't sure if he loved this man in front of him. Not after such a betrayal.

He paused in the doorway leading to the living room, hand on the doorknob, and turned around to look the betrayer in the eyes. "Oh, and Sousuke," he said, his heart twisting inside his ribcage at the hopeful look on Sousuke's face. The beating thing skipping a beat as his eyes took in the man's expression. The hope in his eyes.

It was such a shame he had to crush that hope, knowing it would break his own heart, too.

"Do not presume to touch me, ever again."

The wounded, kicked puppy expression on Sousuke's face at those cold, cruel words sent a stab of pain through his chest, through his heart. As if he'd gored himself through with Shinsou. Because even now, even after being thoroughly and completely betrayed, it still hurt him to see Sousuke in pain. To see him hurting like this. Especially because of him.

Gin fought to stop his breath catching in his throat, to keep his facial expression indifferent and unreadable. To resist the urge to sprint over and wrap his arms around the man. It took what felt like a gargantuan amount of effort, but he succeeded. He turned away and took the first, hardest step. The subsequent steps following the first becoming easier and easier. Turning his back on the one he loved. Shutting the door behind him.

If only packing his things, walking out the front door, and never looking back were that easy...

. . .

Sousuke sighed deeply and set about clearing up the mess Gin had made in his fury. Bending down to pick up a fragment of his favourite mug, he glanced at all of the broken crockery, thinking he wouldn't be at all surprised if they had no plates, mugs, bowls or dishes left at all. But that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was that he'd damaged his Gin beyond any hope of repair. Hurt the man so deeply Gin couldn't even bear to be touched by him. And only in the silence, alone in their home, did the full weight of reality hit him.

 _Dear god, what have I done?_

His zanpaktou's disdainful, incredulous laughter answered him. _What did you do?_ She sneered at him, _I'll_ _ **tell**_ _you what you did. You just went and completely destroyed the best thing that's ever come into your life. Possibly forever._

She waited for her words to have the desired effect; a magnification of the guilt and remorse and shame her master felt. And she savoured it for a moment before she continued.

 _You did... the_ _ **worst**_ _thing you could have done._

 _I know._ He answered her simply. Not knowing what else to say. _I know._

 _Tell me, Sousuke,_ she said, her soft voice full to the brim with malice, _please, tell me how you could possibly screw up_ _ **this.**_ **Badly.** _What were you_ _ **thinking?!**_

He paused, thinking. Searching for a reason _why._ Looking for a justification and coming up empty. Because there were none. There were no reasons he could give to justify his betrayal. Not to Kyouka Suigetsu, not to Gin... not to anyone.

 _I wasn't._ He answered her. _I wasn't thinking._

 _ **Clearly,**_ she hissed. Malicious. Spiteful. _If you were, you wouldn't have gone and flushed all those years together down the pissing_ _ **toilet!**_

Her use of profanity should have shocked him. For she liked to think of herself as a proper lady, and prided herself upon her etiquette, loathing profanity. It just showed how furious she was with him. But it made no impression on him whatsoever.

 _I hope it was worth it._ She spat. _I hope she was fucking worth it._

He had the grace at least to look abashed, because deep down, he knew he deserved it. He deserved all of their venom, their vitriol. He deserved to feel guilt clawing away at his insides. Deserved to feel the pain in his chest at Gin's tears.

Because he was the cause of it all. He was the liar. He was the traitor.

And all of his insides felt as if they'd been scooped out of him with this knowledge. Because of all the things in the world, he promised he would never hurt Gin. Another promise to add to the list of thing's he'd broken today. Along with Gin. Along with his own heart, at having broken Gin.

He remained silent and spied another broken piece of his mug, remembering the day Gin had given it to him. What he wouldn't do to get those days back. To make Gin happy like that again...

 _How do I fix this?_ He asked his sword spirit. His fingertips finding his left temple. A place he associated with confusion ever since his unfortunate run-in with a lamp post when he hadn't been watching where he was going. An encounter that had given him a concussion and a mighty black eye, and brought a worried Gin to his hospital bedside. He could still remember Gin telling him off.

" _I told ya. I_ _ **told**_ _ya this would happen. I told ya to watch where ya were goin' 'stead a lookin' at me... but no, ya wouldn' listen, and how yer in hospital cuz ya didn't listen to me. Cuz yer an idiot."_

She just sighed at him, deeply tired. She knew he wasn't referring to the broken mug, which only saddened her.

 _I don't know,_ she said softly, her fury fading into melancholy. _You'll just have to wait and see if he forgives you. If he still wants to be with you._

Sousuke thought about that for a moment. What his life might be like without Gin in it. Gin packing his clothes into a suitcase, putting his things into a suitcase, putting his things into boxes, picking up his pet fox, and leaving. Never to return. Leaving him alone in a house that felt too empty without Gin in it. He tried to imagine it, but there was only a dark place where the thought should be. He simply could not imagine a life without his Gin in it beside him. Standing at his side. Holding his hand. Smiling.

It was in that moment Sousuke realised he'd have no reason to go on, none at all, if Gin left him. And now because of his own actions, he was gambling with that possibility. All because he'd been fucking Hinamori Momo.

Shame wasn't a strong enough word for what he felt.

 _I hope it was worth it,_ Kyouka had told him.

Was it worth it? No. It wasn't. She hadn't even been that satisfying. And the only reason he felt any arousal at all was because he'd closed his eyes and pictured she was Gin. But as someone once told him, _there are no possible substitutes for the real thing._

And so his efforts to distract his mind from his and Gin's problems ultimately ended up failing.

A part of him knew it wouldn't work, deep down. But like an idiot, he'd tried anyway. Momo just happened to be near him.

 _How could I have been so stupid?_

He sighed deeply, exhausted, yet he knew sleep would elude him tonight. It would definitely elude him if he lay in their bed without Gin's warm body next to his.

 _So I just have to wait and be patient?_ He asked Kyouka Suigetsu again. _And hope he still loves me enough to stay with me? That's how I fix this?_

 _Yes,_ she told him. _That's how you can fix this. Or try to, at least. The mug you can just glue back together._

Sousuke nodded, and began searching for the other broken pieces of his mug. Thankfully it was very distinguishable, with a slightly oval shape, like an egg somebody had sliced the top off of, only with a handle. It was thicker than all of their other mugs, and heavier, too, with a sleeping cat painted on in blue ink on an off-white background.

Once he'd gathered all the pieces, he swept the rest of the broken china into a pile, binned it, and then pulled up a chair at the dining table. The pieces of the mug sitting on the smooth mahogany of the table's surface, beside a tube of glue he'd found in one of the drawers, buried under a pile of useless clutter. And there he sat. Gluing back together the mug, because he needed something he could actually fix.

 _If only fixing us was this easy..._

. . .

Gin breathed a large lungful of air, in and out of him. The very air shaking. But that might have just been his body trembling. He looked down at his hands as he sat on the sofa. Yes, they were shaking. It was definitely him shaking.

"Oh god," he whispered, "That was hard."

 _Walking away?_ Shinsou asked.

Gin nodded. The pain audible in his voice as he spoke. "Yeah."

Shinsou materialised on his shoulders, his body warm and comforting. His nose cold on his master's skin as he nuzzled into Gin's neck. _I know._

 _Will it get easier?_ Gin asked, and it just broke Shinsou's heart, because Gin sounded like a little lost boy reaching out for help because the one he loved most in the world had just fired a revolver into his heart. Leaving him at a loss for what to do, how to feel.

 _I don't know,_ Shinsou answered honestly, the hoarseness in his voice betraying the sadness he felt. _Just take one day at a time, for now. You don't have to make any big decisions tonight. Let your heart settle first._

Gin took another deep breath, in through his nose and out through his mouth.

 _Yer right... yer right, one thing at a time. Cuz my heart's..._ he paused, took another breath. Waited for the pain crushing his broken heart to pass. _My heart's a mess. I aint gonna be thinkin' straight._

 _Yes,_ Shinsou said softly. _Rest now, think tomorrow._

Gin nodded slightly and slowly stood, climbing the stairs slowly. Bracing himself for the sight of their bedroom. Anticipating the wave of fury and sadness that would wash over him when he walked in. He stood in front of the door, hand on the doorknob, took a deep breath, and opened it.

He was severely underwhelmed. Instead of anger, or any rush of emotion, there was only emptiness inside him. A void. Nothingness.

But then, he supposed it was just a room, now. Not the private, personal space they shared... used to share.

A frown on his face, Gin strode across the room and collected the spare duvet and pillows, and some clean sleeping robes from the wardrobe and traipsed back down the stairs to make his bed on the sofa. Turning off all the lights and changing into his sleeping clothes before crawling under the covers. Shinsou climbed over him, settling in his arms. Gin wrapped his arms tightly around his zanpaktou, cuddling Shinsou like a teddy bear. It might have been childish, but Gin needed the physical comfort.

It was times like this when he really wanted his pet fox, Cherry, with him. She always made him feel better. But he was glad he'd let Ran babysit her for the week while her partner Shuuhei was off on a mission to the human world. _So the house won't be as empty_ , she said. Pouting. Pleading. _And I miss her_. Gin was glad he'd agreed. The fox baby might have been traumatised by the screaming and arguing. And she might have cut herself on the broken china. Gin just gave his thanks to every god under the sun and the moon she hadn't been here to witness this fallout. His poor baby would have been scarred for life. And he would never, ever, have forgiven himself if she got hurt because of him.

Sighing, he settled his body in a comfortable position on his side, and with Shinsou in his arms, he tried to turn his mind off.

 _Rest now, think tomorrow._ Shinsou said.

But it was impossible not to think. Impossible not to hurt over the betrayal, the lies. Aizen had fired a revolver straight into his heart, and that was a wound Gin didn't think he could ever recover from.

He sighed softly. He was tired. So very tired. And there were so many conflicting emotions inside him, waging a war inside him. How could it be possible to have both love and hatred existing inside him at once for the same person?

He realised that was the source of his conflict. _He betrayed me._ Gin told himself. _Betrayed_ _ **us.**_ _I need to remember that._

And in that moment, Gin decided it was best if he closed his heart off. Killed off any and all feelings of love he held for the traitor. Cleansed his heart of any attachment to Aizen Sousuke, a man who had destroyed him. So he took one last deep breath, let out a sigh, and began the purge. Hoping the vitriol in his veins would cull the attachments and poison the moths that fluttered about in his belly whenever his lover touched him.

If it worked, everything would be so much easier...

. . .

By the time Sousuke had finished gluing his favourite mug back together again, a faint glow of the sunrise slowly peeking in through the kitchen window. He sighed softly, admiring his work as it dried in the early morning sunlight. As expected, sleep didn't come to him. And now the distraction of fixing the mug was gone, the clawing, nagging feelings of guilt were returning. Conflicting thoughts all pushing and shoving each other, vying for his attention. Leaving him feeling awful. Which of course, he was. Because only the most despicable person would betray their partner in such a way. The fact that Kyouka Suigetsu wasn't reassuring him or trying to combat the negative thoughts bouncing around his head only confirmed it.

 _But I guess I deserve to feel awful. Even if it's just a drop in the ocean compared to what Gin's feeling right now._

He stared at the newly fixed mug, at the little blue painting of the sleeping cat, remembering the day Gin gave it to him. Bright, happy smile. Bounce in his step as he strode over to set the mug in front of him, full of steaming hot tea.

" _New mug?" he asked, and Gin's smile widened_ _ **exponentially**_ _._

" _I got it for you." Gin told him, smiling like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. "Do you like it? I was gonna get you one with a fox on it, but they didn't have any. But a cat is just as cute too, ne?"_

 _He smiled at his Gin, picking up his new mug and sipping his tea. He had a feeling already that this mug was going to be his new favourite."Yes, it is. Thankyou, Gin."_

 _Cherry had crept over, then, sniffing the mug. Touching the handle and, by proxy, his fingers, with her nose._

" _It seems Cherry-chan likes it, too." he said, making Gin laugh._

Sousuke sighed quietly again, still studying the mug. The cracks in it weren't visible from a distance. In fact, they were hairline cracks, so at first glance you'd never know the mug had suffered a breakage. Or rather, a smashing, because Gin had thrown it with such force. But if he looked closely, he could see them. And try as he might to overlook them, Sousuke would _know_ they were there. It was a perfect metaphor for his marriage, really. If it survived and he and Gin did grow back together, if they could glue the pieces of their shattered lives back together again... there would always be the cracks. Barely noticeable at first glance, but _there._

They would be there always.

That was, _**if**_ they could glue their lives back together and fix their broken relationship. Their broken marriage.

He breathed deeply and rose from the chair, pushing it quietly back into it's place under the kitchen table, and glanced up at the clock. Five o clock. Enough time for a shower and to change into his clothes before he headed into work for the day.

He tiptoed quietly upstairs, taking care not to wake Gin by making too much noise, and into the bathroom and stripped his clothes off quickly. He knew he'd have to shower quickly, too. If he took his time, he'd only think too much and be swallowed by guilt again. By more memories of his darling Gin and that charming smile, and what he had done to break him and banish that smile forever.

It seemed so ridiculous now, planning to break Gin's heart all those years ago. Planning to shoot his metaphorical revolver into Gin's chest had truly been a stupid idea, if it hurt him this much. How stupid he was. _Deluded,_ that's what he was. _Deluded. Mad. Insane._ Because having done just such a thing now, he may as well have taken that revolver in his right hand, pointed the muzzle of the gun at his own heart, and fired.

 _And after I told him I loved him, too. After I made him so happy._

He breathed deeply and sighed slowly. Closing his eyes. _Deluded. Mad. Insane._ He must be insane to do anything to hurt someone like Gin. To someone who had brought so much joy into his life just by being in it.

When he opened his eyes again, another thought, another voice laughed maniacally at him. _Yes. Yes, you are insane. A look in the mirror will tell you that._

Sousuke frowned, ignoring the thought. The voice. Focusing instead on towelling off his wet hair and body. Because he knew if he looked in the mirror, he'd only hate who he saw for putting that bullet in the heart of the only man he loved.

Once dried and dressed, he made his way quietly down the stairs again, lingering for a long moment in the living room. Watching his Gin sleep. He couldn't help the soft smile as he watched.

 _Ah, my Gin, after all these years you still do look so peaceful when you sleep._

 _That is, if you are still my Gin._

He thought about that for a moment. Certain of nothing except the fact that Gin's earlier question would haunt him forever.

 _Do I mean nothing to you?_

He took a few steps closer, hovering over Gin's sleeping form. Feeling a wave of tenderness wash through him when he saw Shinsou, the silver fox of a sword spirit, held close in his master's arms. Sword and wielder both sound asleep. Gin hugging the creature close like a teddy bear. Sousuke watched them quietly for a few moments, before Gin groaned softly in his sleep, quietly calling out to him.

"Sousuke."

And again it dawned on him, just how much damage he'd actually done. Because his hand paused halfway in his instinctual reaction to reach out and gently touch his Gin, just as he'd done a thousand times before, when Gin called out to him in his sleep. In times when they still slept in the same bed and he would tenderly brush the hair out of Gin's closed eyes. And enjoy Gin's soft, contented sigh at his touch.

But now, he hesitated, remembering Gin's last words to him. _Do not presume to touch me, ever again._ Whereas before, Gin had been all soft smiles and polite requests.

 _Aizen-sama. Please, touch me._

He stood there, halfway between reaching out for Gin and pulling his hand back. Torn between his desire to respect Gin's wishes and his desire to hold Gin close to him. Warring with himself on two fronts.

It was his zanpaktou who brought him to his senses.

 _Leave him,_ she said. _You'll only make things worse if you don't respect his desire to be left alone._

At the sound of her voice, instantly the war waging inside him ceased. It was something he already knew, but it had taken her reminder to give him the strength to pull his hand back. He took a deep, quiet breath in and out, and made himself move towards the door. But he paused there, too. Because he just couldn't leave without at least _trying_ to set things right. Without telling Gin he loved him.

 _Ah, but he doesn't want to even look at me,_ he remembered. Thinking of the screaming, the bitterness. The vitriol. The exhausted sadness. The utter defeat from his Gin. But there were other ways to communicate. One of those ways being the language of flowers. A language he'd taught Gin many years ago, when they first began a wary courtship. A language that, by now, they were both fluent in.

It was this idea that drove him back through the house and into the garden. Made him cut the purple hyacinth, Judas tree, and the heliotrope with Kyouka Suigetsu and take them back into the kitchen. Made him rifle through all the cupboards to find the one glass that had managed to escape Gin's wrath, fill it with water, and put the flowers into the little makeshift vase before he left for the office. Clicking the door quietly closed behind him.

. . .

It was the sunlight hitting his eyelids that roused Gin from the depths of his slumber. A soft groan passed his lips as he stretched himself awake, smiling softly. Enjoying those few quiet moments between sleeping and wakefulness before he remembered why he was sleeping on the couch. When the memories resurfaced, Gin tried to fight them. Tried to plunge his body back into sleep because it was just too much. Too much to take this early in the morning. He wanted to go back to sleep. To sleep for a hundred years, if it meant he didn't have to face the pain squeezing his heart like a vice. But his body refused to obey, stubbornly clinging to its wakeful state. Making him suffer.

And if he was suffering, it meant the purge had failed. Because if he was hurting, it meant he still cared.

 _How could he?_ Gin wondered again, _If he had me?_

The searing pain around his heart returned with a vengeance, and Gin took a shaky breath in and out.

 _All those late nights..._

He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting back tears that he knew would never come. How could they, when he'd cried them all in the man's arms just yesterday?

He swallowed the lump in his throat. _No. No more thinking about it._ Thinking about it wouldn't let the wound in his heart heal, and Gin badly needed it to heal before he could make any decisions about what to do next. He couldn't let his emotions rule his decision making, not with this. Logic and rationality had to rule, not his heart. And right now, the wound was still so new and raw.

Gin sat up and stood, making his way into the kitchen. Finding the mess of broken crockery and glass gone, and Sousuke nowhere to be seen. Gin assumed the man had cleaned up before going to bed.

 _Good. It's about time he cleaned up his own mess._ Gin mused as he boiled the kettle. He needed a drink, to soothe his raw throat and rehydrate his tired body. And a cup of green tea would do both those things.

 _And Ran always said any problem could be helped with a hot cup of tea._

 _Ran..._ he smiled softly, surprised that even despite the vicious betrayal, he could still smile. _Yes, she'll help me sort this mess out. Listen to me..._

Once the kettle had finished boiling, Gin set about finding a cup or a mug for his tea. Pausing when he found the cupboard they kept their mugs in completely empty. Somewhat puzzled, Gin opened more cupboards, finding them bare, too. So they had no cups, plates, or bowls as well as mugs. It was then that Gin remembered his fit of rage; the way he'd screamed, cursed and thrown every breakable object he could grab at his lover. _Oh, right. I broke everything._

Gin frowned. _I could've at least saved one mug, so I could have some tea._

Gin sighed, frustrated. He'd been looking forward to that cup of tea, and now it looked like he'd have to do without. _Dammit, I should've thought ahead,_ Gin cursed himself. _Now I can't even have tea._

But it was then that he felt Shinsou on his shoulders again, fur tickling his bare neck.

 _Well, maybe you can,_ Shinsou offered gently.

 _What?_

 _On the table._

 _What're ya talkin' about?_ Gin asked, wheeling around to look. _There's nothin' on th'-_

Gin's words were cut off when he saw it. The long mug - Sousuke's favourite mug, the first thing Gin had given him – sitting on the table, in one piece again. And sitting inside it, a purple hyacinth, heliotrope, and a little branch of Judas tree, vibrant and pink.

 _-Table._ Gin finished, shocked into stillness. Sousuke was using the language of flowers to speak to him, a language used in the Victorian era in the human world. Traditionally a language used for courtship, but it could also be used to express sentiments outside of that. It was a dead language, now. A secret language very few people knew of. But Sousuke knew it, and all of his knowledge on it he passed on to Gin. At the beginning of their wary courtship and then relationship, it had been a way to quietly flirt with each other without attracting too much attention, but it quickly became more than that. It was an elegant language, _their_ language, and over the years it had become steeped in history and emotional attachment as Gin attached specific memories of their time together with each individual flower exchanged. And his tutelage and fluency in the language had all begun with a single red tulip, all those years ago... and the gift of Aizen Sousuke's very own flower dictionary.

"What in th' world?" Gin questioned, keeping his voice hushed as he approached it, afraid that if he made any sudden movements or loud noises the mug would be revealed as the illusion it was and vanish.

His breath caught as he stepped closer, eyes examining the flowers, cut down small enough to sit comfortably in the makeshift vase.

"When did he..." Gin whispered, tentatively raising a hand, but stopping just short of touching the blooms. Just in case touching them made them disappear like one of Kyouka Suigetsu's illusions.

He swallowed the lump in his throat. His brain coming up with the meanings of each flower automatically. It was second nature, now, to translate flora into an emotional context.

Purple hyacinth: _please forgive me._

Heliotrope: _devoted affection._

Judas tree: _betrayal._

All together: _Please forgive me for my betrayal. I love you._

Gin's heart started bashing against his ribcage, his pulse racing with its rapid beats. His breaths catching in his throat as he jerked his hand away. Jaws pressed firmly together. Rage surging through him at the fool's audacity to ask his forgiveness.

 _How?_ Gin wanted to sneer, _how can you ask forgiveness after what you did to me? How can you_ _ **expect it**_ _after fucking_ _ **destroying me?**_

The pain in his chest, in his heart, returned, squeezing him. Making all of his rage give way to sadness and hurt again.

 _How_ _ **could**_ _you?_

Gin choked back a sob, and realised he needed to get out. Needed air. He quickly abandoned his thoughts of making tea and the flowers on the table, and made a beeline for the back door. He stepped out into the garden, inhaling deep lungfuls of cool morning air. Letting it clear his head and hoping it would clear his heart, too.

It was useless, of course. Because both his head and his heart would stay full regardless of what he did to empty them.

And because the garden was the place it all began, Gin could still recall it as he cast his eyes around at all the carefully cultivated flowers, as if it only happened yesterday instead of so many years ago...

" _Oh, wow." Gin gasped as he stepped out into the garden. "It's beautiful. Did you do this yourself?"_

" _Most of it." Sousuke told him. "The rose bushes at the back were already here when I bought the house. I'm thinking of getting a koi pond installed."_

 _Gin looked around the lovely green space. It was very spacious, with a patio by the back door with a table and chairs, with a small pair of pruning shears resting on the table. The fence at the far back was unpainted, and a splattering of flowers grew all the way along it, interspersed with bushes that held roses of all colours. Red, yellow, pink, and white. There was a red acer tree, too, by the brick wall at the side, thick with leaves._

" _I didn't know you gardened." Gin told him. To which Sousuke just smiled._

" _There's a lot you don't know about me."_

 _Gin smiled, "I know you like_ _ **me**_ _."_

 _Sousuke had to chuckle at that. "That is true."_

 _Gin's gaze drifted over the colourful flowers around him, and wondered how long it had taken to get the garden this beautiful._

" _What kinda flowers are these?" Gin asked him. "I dunno much about flowers."_

 _He felt Sousuke walk over to stand next to him, and felt the man's hand settle on his shoulder._

" _That's okay. I'll teach you."_

Gin shook his head, freeing himself from the thought.

 _Why'm I... remembering that now?_ He wondered, feeling those same moths fluttering about in his belly as he had back then at the memory of it. Moths that, somehow, had managed to survive the vitriolic poison inside him. A thing that made Gin absolutely _hate_ himself for. Positively _loathe_ himself.

Because he couldn't even purge his heart properly of the love it held for Aizen Sousuke.

He walked further into the garden, breathing deeply. He stopped in front of a cluster of gladioli, not even stopping to consider the flower before retrieving Shinsou to cut one of them. Because it was the perfect answer to the flowers in the mug. His mind had been running along without him, scanning his mental flower dictionary and landing on the gladiolus for an answer to the flowers from Sousuke instinctively. The gladiolus was perfect, because the meaning of it mirrored Gin's feelings of hurt and betrayal exactly.

After he cut it, he stood and examined it. Studying it carefully. It was red, and on it's way to full bloom. The flowers at the base were bright and red, and the buds at the tip of the long stem were just beginning to open, lending the flower the appearance of a sword stained crimson with blood. A fitting comparison for the traditional flower of the gladiators. A perfect choice for someone who'd just been stabbed in the heart.

 _Gladiolus: you pierce my heart with passion._ Gin thought bitterly. _More like: you_ _ **stab**_ _my heart._

He recalled, too, the first gladiolus Sousuke had given him. Vibrant and red, much like this one. And a lesson in the sometimes multiple and layered meanings of some of the flowers in their language, and the importance of context.

 _This will be a lesson in context for you,_ the man had said.

Of course, he had neglected to mention at the time that it would be a lesson in physical pleasure, too.

Gin even remembered the man giving him that first gladiolus.

 _Gin had been grumbling and grouching to himself at Rangiku for embarrassing him like that. Honestly, why did she have to be such a pervert and imply there was more going on between him and Sousuke than there was?_

 _Well, there_ _ **was,**_ _but did she have to keep saying it? Out loud? For people to hear? For Sousuke to hear it? It would only encourage the man and gods knew that man did_ _ **not**_ _need any encouragement. But it was only after a while of this that Gin could feel the man's eyes on him. Staring._

" _Sousuke?" Gin called out to him. But that only made the man's smile broaden._

" _Yes, darling?"_

 _Gin's cheeks_ _ **burned**_ _at the endearment._

" _Ha- have ya been watchin' me grouch this whole time?"_

" _why, yes, I have." he replied, clearly amused by this, and Gin reddened further._

" _Aizen-san!" he exclaimed._

" _What?" Sousuke laughed, pretending innocence again. Aizen was good at that. Pushing his buttons and then pretending like he'd done absolutely nothing. Gin frowned at him, and Sousuke's devious grin softened a little. "You're very pleasing to look at."_

 _A variety of conflicting feelings rose inside Gin's chest at that remark. How did he do that? Say things like that so offhandedly? So easily?_

 _Gin opened and closed his mouth, fumbling around for words, blushing furiously. Fighting his smile at the compliment. "Ah, yeah... well... do-don't ya think ya better watch where yer goin' instead? Ya might walk inta a lamp post er somethin' if ya aint careful."_

" _Oh, you needn't worry about me," Sousuke replied, waving away his concerns. "I'm_ _ **always**_ _careful."_

 _Gin frowned at him, sceptical of that statement. "Uh-huh. Well then, be even more careful."_

 _Sousuke only grinned broadly in answer. "Aw, this is cute. You're worried about me."_

 _Gin's entire_ _ **body**_ _burned. Sure his cheeks were bright pink again. And he folded his arms across his chest in defiance of the assumption. Even though it was true. Gin was worried about him getting hurt._

" _No!" he spluttered, "I jus' don' want ya walkin' inta stuff and havin' people blame me." he tried to defend himself._

 _But Sousuke just kept on grinning._

" _Oh, I think you're worried about me." he teased, thoroughly enjoying this. Gin only folded his arms tighter and looked away defiantly. Scowling._

" _Nope." Gin told him. Adamant. Sousuke fought back an amused chuckle, and frowned._

" _Oh," he said, feigning hurt now, "Well, now I'm disappointed. And here I thought you actually cared about me."_

 _Gin's emotions at that statement were a mixture of horror and satisfaction, with some panic thrown in there, too. Though surprisingly the panic won out, the fear that he'd let the man down somehow._

 _Gin's invariably closed eyes opened, just for a second, with his surprise._

" _Because I care about you," Sousuke added, laying on the pretence of dejected disappointment thickly. "I care quite deeply for you, actually."_

 _He placed his hand flat on his chest with that last statement, an then sighed heavily. Gin suddenly felt awful, thinking of the lavender he'd left for the man earlier, before class started, feeling the guilt eat away at him._

 _He heard Aizen sigh, and resigned himself to his disappointment._ Great, _he thought,_ now he hates me. _But Aizen continued talking, not bothered by this at all._

" _If I had a gladiolus, I'd..." Aizen said, his words dying off. Stopping suddenly mid-stride and mid-sentence. Gin stopped beside him, confused._

" _Wait here." Sousuke told him, and promptly disappeared. Gin watched him walk off, over to a cluster of bright red flowers right by the entrance to the park, amazed at how easily distracted the man was. But when he saw Aizen cut off one of the bright, spear-like flowers, he understood._ Oh, it must mean something in our new language.

 _Shinsou snickered quietly in his mind._ I like how you're claiming the language already, _he teased. Clearly approving of this._

 _Gin only rolled his eyes._ Well, duh. I do wanna share more than spit an'... Gin couldn't help his blush, body fluids with him.

 _Shinsou started laughing, but Gin ignored him. Deciding to watch Aizen instead._

 _The man returned, stopping in front of him, beaming the brightest smile, proudly presenting Gin with his latest offering._

" _For you." he said._

 _Gin reached out and took it, slowly. The moths in his belly taking flight again, his heart bashing against the cage of his ribs as their fingers brushed together again._

" _A gladiolus." Aizen told him, answering his question of what the flower was before Gin even had a chance to ask it. Gin couldn't help but notice how Aizen's voice and general mood was so much more animated than before. "Remember, I showed you them in my garden the other day?"_

How can his moods change so quickly? Gin wondered, a little shocked. Jus' minutes ago he were all sad an' disappointed. What happened?

He thought of a way to make you happy. _Shinsou supplied._

 _Gin smiled at both Shinsou and Aizen, holding the flower carefully. "Yes, I remember. The flower of the gladiators."_

" _Yes." Aizen grinned at him. Clearly pleased Gin had remembered the information. Remembered that day._

" _An' what's it mean?" Gin asked, "In the flower language?"_

 _Gin watched as the man's grin grew considerably wider, but whether it was with joy or amusement, Gin couldn't tell._

" _You have your own flower dictionary now," Aizen told him, "Why don't you look it up?"_

Gin's mind returned to the present moment again, and back to the gladiolus in his hand. A sad mockery of that first gladiolus. _Yes, it's perfect._

Of course, he did think of pairing the gladiolus with some common stinging nettles for _cruelty,_ or with a yellow rose for _infidelity._ To say _You wound my heart with your cruelty,_ or, _you hurt me with your infidelity._ Or maybe even with the branch of the Judas tree Sousuke had left for him, to say _You stab my heart with your betrayal,_ probably the most apt combination of them all. But he dismissed the notions. The gladiolus on its own would hurt Sousuke the most. So that was how Gin left it on the table on his side of their bed. Singular. Perfect. He left it sitting in the one drinking glass that managed to escape destruction in a cupboard right at the very back corner, in a bit of water, before he set out to talk to Rangiku. Knowing the context of the flower would be obvious.

The house was empty, his lover gone, but Gin knew the man would find it. And he knew the reply would sting.


	4. Pear Tree for Comfort

A/n: Would of had this one up sooner if I hadn't accidentally stabbed my middle finger on my writing hand with a needle. And not a small one either. Hurt so much and bruised so badly. So yeah... be careful with needles folks.

Notes: Game references, continued emotional distress, more crying, and Ran being supportive. Also yes all my zan spirits are animals.

Pretty much written to Breaking Point by Studio VOXYZ because i seem to be on a vocaloid kick lately. Anyway enjoy the chapter.

 **Chapter 4: Pear Tree for Comfort**

Gin stepped out into the early dawn light, squinting in the dim sunlight, the sun only just peeking over the horizon. He'd changed into one of his casual yukata today, a soft navy one, careful to avoid any of those that had been brought for him by Sousuke. Because wearing any of those would only stir up memories, and right now those were painful and best avoided. It would imply Gin still belonged to the man. A prospect that had once delighted him, but now... Gin wasn't sure if he wanted anything more to do with him. Whether he wanted to belong to anyone anymore. Especially him.

He still remembered that day. Remembered being pinned down on the sofa underneath his thighs, having his lips lay siege to his neck, hand doing unspeakably pleasurable things to him. And he remembered the question. The way he'd asked it. Smouldering lust and a hidden darkness in his eyes, even more visible without those damn glasses. And that smile.

 _Do you wish to belong to me, Ichimaru?_

It had been a simple question. With a simple answer. Although it was only now Gin reflected on just how manipulative it was. The man had worked him into such a state he'd have agreed to anything for sweet physical release, gone were his rational thought processes. But Gin supposed Sousuke had planned it that way. Gin shook his head free of the thoughts and carried on walking. Hoping to outpace the one dark thought pervading his mind. _He used me._

Work was out of the question, too. Because Gin didn't think he had the strength to face another day working with both Sousuke and that little whore, and putting on a show of normality as if his life hadn't just been ripped apart. He just couldn't. The strain of it would kill him. Or he might just snap and kill one of them. Neither were good scenarios. Better to hide out at Rangiku's place until he could get his head together and come up with a plan.

He walked slowly, keeping a leisurely pace, enjoying the quietness of the world at this early hour. The absence of any other living souls. The peacefulness of it. It was a perfect contrast to to his tumultuous heart. And for a few moments Gin allowed a small smile to pass his lips. At least his surroundings were quiet and peaceful. At least they were unchanged. Something in his world was still the same.

His footsteps echoed faintly on the empty paved streets as he made his way to Ran's apartment.

She'd been living with her partner, Shuuhei, for a little while now. Not for as long as he'd been living with Sousuke though, but they'd had to save up the money for a deposit on an apartment. Sousuke already had his own house when they met, so he'd just moved in with Sousuke. Gin had been so happy for her when she told him. He'd even given her a pot of daffodils for a housewarming present. _New beginnings_ , in the language of flowers. The language she'd first introduced him to.

 _I hope she aint mad 'bout bein' woken up at this ungodly hour._ Gin thought. _I know as a rule she don't get up before the sun 'less she has to._

 _Ah, but she did say if ever I needed her, she'd be there for me. Whatever time it is._

He reached her apartment in roughly twenty minutes, already thinking of what he might say. How he could explain to her what happened. He would have to be calm, he knew that much. Because if he started crying, she'd start crying because she couldn't stand seeing him in any sort of pain, and then it would just be a mess. No, he had to pull himself together to be calm and rational. He had to be strong, when he asked for her advice on the situation. So, standing at her front door, he took a deep, calming breath, running a hand through his hair nervously. It was an unconscious gesture, and though he didn't realise it, it was something he'd seen Sousuke do so many times before whenever he was anxious or frustrated about something. Gin let out his breath in a long sigh, and pressed the doorbell. And waited. Bracing himself for this meeting. Hoping he wouldn't stumble over his words.

A couple of minutes later,she appeared, opening the door and yawning. Wearing her slippers and a very fluffy-looking dressing gown no doubt procured from the human world. Gin was still rehearsing his spiel, standing tense and rigid when she blinked her eyes open, still sleepy and trying to figure out why he was standing on her porch. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she spoke.

"Hmnh, Gin?" she murmured, "Do you even know what time it is?"

He tried to smile and opened his mouth to speak, intending to start off with a joke. Starting off the conversation with a _It's half five in th' mornin'. Didn' we say we were gonna meet at half five?_

But it was only the truth that tumbled out of him as he burst into tears.

"He _cheated_ on me, Ran."

So much for being strong.

He watched her sigh, trying to keep her rage subdued for his sake. He was still trying to blink the tears out of his eyes when he felt himself being gently pulled into her arms and squeezed close to her in a warm and comforting and very fluffy embrace.

"Oh Gin," she said softly. And he knew it was real sadness in her voice, because he'd known her long enough to know she always felt immense anguish whenever he was upset. Because didn't he feel the same anguish well up inside him whenever she was in pain or upset? "I'm so sorry, Gin."

Gin couldn't find his voice to answer her. He could only make these choking, hiccuping noises he could only assume were sobs as tears squeezed out of the corners of his eyes.

"I..." he managed to get out, "I can't..." but he was cut off by an even more hysterical series of choking sobs. Because just saying the fact out loud made it feel so much more real. So much more heartwrenching. At the beginning of the morning, he'd thought if he didn't say it outright, he might be able to act as if nothing huge had happened. That he was just going to ask Ran for some advice on a much smaller problem. But that was out of the question entirely, now. He'd spoken the words and breathed life into the fact. And he knew there would be never be a way to un-say it again and take back the awful, ugly truth; that he was heartbroken. That he'd been irreparably broken by a person that was supposed to have loved him. Or had never even loved him in the first place.

Gin didn't know which was worse.

But either way, there was no going back now.

"Ran..." Gin called softly, arms wrapped tightly around her, fingers gripping onto the fluffy softness of her dressing gown on her back. "I dunno what to do..."

"Shh, it'll be okay," she soothed him, rubbing his back, "It'll be okay, sweetheart."

His mind wanted to rail against this. Because how? How could anything possibly be okay ever again? But he just didn't have the energy or the emotional endurance to entertain that line of thought. So he just buried his face into the softness of Rangiku's shoulder, allowing her to comfort him while he cried.

"You better come inside." she said gently, once his body-wracking sobbing had subsided a little. "I'll make us a pot of tea."

. . .

Rangiku led Gin into her little apartment by the hand, squeezing his fingers reassuringly. Her heart truly ached for him. His whole world had just been ripped apart, his very heart pulled out of him. And as much as she ached for Gin, she found herself hating Aizen Sousuke an equal amount for doing this. _How could he? How could he do this to my best friend after promising to look after him. Promising to love him. Marrying him, even?_ In fact, she wanted nothing more than to go storming into the fifth division's main office and start tearing that despicable man a new asshole for what he'd done. Smack him right in the balls for what he'd done to her Gin. It was a strong urge, too. But Haineko started stirring in her mind, her zanpaktou bringing her to her senses.

 _No, leave that for now,_ the cat rumbled softly, though her voice was gentle. But Rangiku could feel the rage there, too. Her zanpaktou ached for Gin as much as her master, after all. _Comfort Gin. He needs you._

Rangiku breathed deeply, in and out. Nice and slow. Yes. Gin needed her right now. She needed to be there for him. Make sure he didn't do anything rash or stupid. She needed to hold him while he cried and help him sort out the mess of conflicting feelings raging inside him. And she couldn't do that if she went storming off in search of wrathful vengeance against Aizen Sousuke, with Haineko howling out for his blood.

 _You're right,_ she conceded to her sword spirit. _You're right. I can kick that fool in the balls for this later. Right now I need to focus on what's important. I need to be here for Gin._

 _Yes,_ Haineko agreed.

Gin sniffed as he followed her into the living room, squeezing her hand in return. She supposed he was grateful for her support, her love, for not throwing him out or shutting the door in his face or even ignoring the door buzzer. But she could never do that to him. Not now. Not after all they'd been through together. They were family, and families supported each other. Even after this. Even at half past five in the morning. Because theirs was a friendship in which they _could_ show up at this ungodly hour, crying, heartbroken, and be embraced and comforted without question, any doubt.

Like today, for instance. And she knew also that if things were reversed, he'd support her, too.

Although, she never once thought Gin would be here in these circumstances. _Never_. And especially not because of Aizen Sousuke. Because she'd genuinely thought Gin was _it_ for Aizen. Hell, the man even walked into a damn lamp post just because he couldn't keep his eyes off Gin. If that wasn't a sign, she didn't know what was. She'd thought they were soulmates. They _all_ thought they were soulmates. In her world, they were supposed to be together forever. They were supposed to grow old and decrepit together, be together for decades, no, _centuries_ like captains Kyoraku and Ukitake, and just be fucking _happy_ and maybe raise a baby or two, and she'd be the godmother, and okay, yeah, he and Gin would both argue a lot but they'd love each other and make it work.

At least, she'd always thought so.

Apparently not Aizen Sousuke though, if Gin was here now in this state.

Of course, she knew she'd always had a bit of a rose tinted view of their relationship, and she knew things didn't always work out the way you wanted. But still. She never expected _this._

She led Gin to the sofa and let him sit. She sat beside him and passed him the box of tissues she she always kept on the coffee table. Gin took the box and sat, obediently pulling out one of the tissues to wipe his eyes. She studied him for a moment. No smile. Bags under his eyes. Slumped shoulders. Whoever this person was, it wasn't the Gin she'd grown up with. It wasn't the Gin she loved. And again she wondered, _how could Aizen Sousuke_ _ **do**_ _this?_

"Will you be okay here for a minute while I go and make us some tea, Gin?" she asked him gently. Gin just nodded his head in answer, the movements slow and sluggish. And Rangiku swore on her own life she would make Aizen Sousuke pay _very_ dearly for having wrung such defeat from her Gin. Perhaps castration would be a fitting punishment... particularly since the idiot couldn't keep it in his pants for five fucking minutes.

She pushed the thought of vengeance aside, and gave Gin's pale hand a quick squeeze before she let go.

"I'll just be a few minutes, okay?" she said softly, warmly. Trying to keep the wrath from her voice as much as physically possible. Because Gin needed her support now. Not to misinterpret her rage at Aizen as being rage directed at him for his inconveniencing her. She tried to suppress the urge to rush headfirst into battle with the traitor as well. It would benefit no-one but herself if she went after Aizen, and Gin needed her, and she couldn't leave him like this. So she walked into the kitchen and swallowed it down and tried her best to bury it somewhere deep inside her until the time was right to dig it up again.

She set the kettle to boil and laid her hands flat on the countertop, taking deep breaths. No good. The wrath was still there, still all-consuming.

" _I'll kill him."_ she hissed under her breath, "I'll kill him for what he's done to you, Gin. I'll cut his bloody balls off and shove them so far up his ass he can't even _walk._ I'll break his fingers, and his toes, and then I'll..."

 _Rangiku,_ her zanpaktou warned, materialising by her hands on the bunker. She was a pretty sword spirit. An elegant feline with dark grey fur. Almost ash coloured. _Stop thinking about it._

Rangiku took another deep breath, sucking in air between clenched teeth. Exhaling slowly in a deep sigh.

 _I know. I know I shouldn't. But it's_ _ **Gin.**_ My _Gin. And I just can't believe that man could_ _ **do**_ _such a thing to him._

Haineko rubbed her master with her face gently, tickling the back of Rangiku's hand. The affectionate gesture somehow loosening the knot of rage inside her.

 _I know,_ Haineko told her, _But running off seeking wrathful vengeance will serve nothing, help no-one. Gin needs you here. With him. At least until some of the pain fades away. I know you want blood for this treachery. I do, too. But we have to be rational. What if Gin still loves him? What if Gin takes him back? What if he knew you meddled and got vengeance without his knowledge? We should wait until Gin says we_ _ **can**_ _execute vengeance for him._

Rangiku frowned, sceptical of this statement. _I thought zanpaktou weren't allowed to interfere in emotional matters?_

 _I'm not interfering, I am only advising for you to think rationally before acting. Not one of your strong suits._

Rangiku's frown deepened. But she knew her zanpaktou was right. She sighed again, deeply tired. _I know. I'll be rational._

 _Good,_ the cat nodded, satisfied. _I know you want vengeance._ _But it's better not to give into it just yet. Just take some deep breaths and put your focus into helping Gin feel better. Until then,_ Haineko added mischievously, _we can always daydream about castrating Sousuke._

 _That_ made Rangiku smile, and made the last of the tension in her heart dissolve. And just in time, too, because the kettle had finished boiling.

. . .

She returned to Gin in the living room carrying a tray with two mugs and a teapot full of steaming hot tea, made just the way he liked it. She padded into the room carefully, not wanting to trip and throw the hot tea everywhere. The last thing Gin needed was to suffer scalding burns on top of everything else. So she moved slowly, carefully, setting the tray down on the coffee table in front of the sofa. Then she moved to sit beside Gin and poured the tea into the mugs from her cute little teapot. Gin gave her a broken little smile as he caught sight of the teapot. It was the one he had given to her for her birthday – doubled up as a graduation present when she made it into the ranks of the Gotei Thirteen. Not that he had any doubts she would, mind, but he still made a fuss of her when she did. And he knew she liked her tea in the mornings, so what better gift than a teapot?

It was a light blue, decorated with numerous little yellow and white daisies, with a wooden bamboo handle. He'd even hidden some tea inside it, so she'd gotten a nice surprise when she first went to use it. It was so thoughtful. _Gin_ was so thoughtful. And again, the disbelief that Aizen could _do_ something like that to someone so thoughtful and considerate and _loving_ smacked into her like a freight train.

 _How_ _ **could**_ _he?_

"Thankyou." Gin said softly after she'd poured him his mug. Not even looking up at her. Sad. Defeated. Probably ashamed, too, of showing up on her doorstep and bursting into tears. Of burdening her with this. But that's what family were for, right? At least, she thought so. Gin must have thought so, too, if he was here at this unsocial hour.

She put the teapot down and turned to Gin, reaching out to take his hand in hers. _He's cold. He must still be in shock._

"Do you need anything?" she asked, "Food? Blankets? You're cold as ice."

But Gin just shook his head. "Jus' th' tea's fine."

"then, do you want to tell me what happened? I mean, I knew you were having some problems, but I never imagined something like _this_ would happen."

She gave his hand another gentle squeeze, to reassure him. To give him the feeling of safety he'd always given her. To let him know he could tell her anything and not be judged harshly for it. "Talk to me, Gin."

She gave Gin a moment, to think about it, to find the words if he did want to talk about it. Whwn he finally spoke, his voice was quiet and full of heartache.

"It's like I said," he began, "he cheated. I caught him at it. I went into town to get him the chessboard he said he liked. Ta surprise 'im, ya know? Ta 'pologise fer bein' nasty to that Hinamori girl, cuz we got in a bit of a fight about it. He defended her, of course. He always does. But I guess I were wrong, too, fer bein' so mean."

Gin paused only to wipe his runny nose with another tissue, "But anyway. I got it for him, the pretty one I showed ya, with all the glass pieces. An' I was gonna meet him after work with it. A peace offerin', you know? To give us a chance to talk."

Gin swallowed, pausing again, and Rangiku knew what would come next, both dreading and expecting it as Gin continued on in a detached voice. As if he were narrating something that had happened to somebody else.

"I crept into the building slowly. Real quiet like. I can't tell ya how nervous I were, Ran. How afraid. Afraid that everything I ever knew might be just a _lie._ There aint no _words_ fer that kinda fear, Ran. Aint no words..."

Her breath caught as Gin trailed off, a silent moment passing before he picked up the thread of his story again.

"Cuz I knew somethin was wrong. I knew when I woke up in the mornin' somethin' were hideously wrong."

She squeezed his hand reassuringly again, to let him know she was there for him. Would always be there for him. Unlike that lying snake he married.

"Go on," she encouraged softly, because she had to know. She had to know exactly what happened. And Gin needed to talk about it. "What happened next?"

She watched Gin take a deep breath, as if bracing himself for an impact. Getting himself ready for what was coming next, what images his mind was going to produce and his voice would give life to. For giving voice to the whole of his world crashing down. But she could sense reluctance there in him, too. Because him telling her what he'd seen would only solidify the fact and make it all the more real to him. But he had to tell her. Leaving words and truths unspoken only drove the dagger deep. Made the pain worse. At least in her experience, anyway.

"Tell me, Gin," she pleaded gently, "What did you see?"

Gin took in another deep, shaky breath, and continued his story. His heart breaking as he spoke.

"I crept up to th' captain's office, clutching that chessboard like me life depended on it. But I heard em even before I opened the door. T'gether. An' I had to look. I had ta see it with my own eyes, if only so he couldn't say I were just imaginin' things when I confronted him about it. I heard her sigh. Heard him laugh. Say to her the same words he said to me. And I screwed together all a me nerves, even though Shinsou begged me not to look, not to see. And I opened that door just a crack. Not enough to be noticed, just enough to peer in.

He took another breath, the way he did when he was upset and his throat was constricting with the effort it took to keep himself from crying. But he was at his breaking point, and his world was crashing down.

"And I saw..." he gasped, "I saw..."

He gasped for air again, the strain of keeping himself together too much for him now, and the choking sobs started up again, coming thick and fast. She squeezed his shaking hand tightly, and felt his fingers squeeze hers back, vice-like in their grip. He had her heart in a vice, and he was tightening it to its smallest setting.

"Him... fucking..." her heart twisted inside her. His every word was a battle to release into the world, and he was sobbing, crying, falling apart again.

"Fucking... _her..."_

He bowed his head, finally giving into the despair, tears falling down onto their joined hands now. Instantly he released her hand and covered his face with both hands for a moment, sobbing uncontrollably.

"'M sorry." he said sadly, wiping his tears with the back of one of his hands. "I didn' mean to cry. It's just... it's just..."

She didn't answer him, she just grabbed him and held him close in a bear like hug. As if she could squeeze all of the pain he was feeling out of him. Or at least absorb it into her own body just so he wasn't suffering. Offering what comfort she could with her warm embrace. Finding Gin's arms wrap around her, holding tight.

"Don't be sorry," she said firmly, hearing her own voice breaking, too. Finding herself sobbing now, too. Crying simply because he was. "Don't you _ever_ be sorry for how you feel."

He made a sound that was a mixture of a laugh and a sob. Because he remembered, too, that they'd had the same conversation in reverse. When she'd nearly suffocated him with her embrace after finding out he and Sousuke were an item. Gin had to bash her shoulder with his fist just to get her to realise he couldn't breathe...

 _She'd stopped gushing very suddenly, realising she was suffocating Gin. Quickly releasing him so he fell backwards._

" _Oh!" she exclaimed, "Oops! I'm so sorry! Are you alright?!"_

 _Gin was dropped to the ground, and promptly began sucking in large lungfuls of air. Chest heaving with the effort, he crawled onto his hands and knees._

" _It's... okay..." he panted, collapsing onto his back, exhausted just from the effort of breathing again after nearly suffocating. "Jus'... don't do that again. I wanna live, please."_

" _Sorry," she said again, her fingers covering her lips, "I just got a bit excited."_

 _Gin had to smile up at her. "I think that were a little more than_ _ **a lil bit.**_ _" he teased, making her blush._

Good _, Gin thought,_ revenge fer flusterin' me before.

 _She smiled warmly down at him, her cheeks still a little flushed from her earlier excitement._

" _I suppose it was." she said, "Sorry if I got carried away."_

 _Gin turned his eyes to her, opening them for her, "Ran," he said gently, "Don' ever apologise for expressin' yerself. Not to me. If ya wanna be excited, be excited." Then he grinned, lightening the conversation considerably, and her mood, too. "Maybe just try not to crush me lungs so much next time."_

 _She beamed a smile at him. "I'll try not to."_

 _Gin laughed, an action that hurt his ribs. He groaned and clutched his body, willing the pain to vanish._

She sighed as the memory faded. Somewhere, what felt like a thousand years ago, this happened. Back in a time Sousuke was absolutely besotted with his Gin. If only she knew back then it had all been a lie... that it had all been an act just so the man could break her Gin's heart... she'd have never pushed Gin towards him in the first place.

"If anyone should be sorry, it's me." she whispered into Gin's ear. "Because I thought he loved you, I pushed you to take a chance on him. I should have listened to you. If I'd known this would've happened, I'd never have let you near him."

She sniffed, swallowing back a sob, stray tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Gin," she said quietly. Sadly. "I really thought he loved you."

A moment came and went in silence, and Rangiku thought he would hate her, too. Blame her for this whole mess of lies and betrayal at Sousuke's hands. Get mad and cast her off, too. But instead, he only held her tighter, squeezing her so close to him she could feel his heartbeat even through her thick, fluffy dressing gown as he held onto her for dear life.

"Don't be," he whispered, his voice thick and heavy with sadness. "I did, too."


	5. Mustard for Hurt

More business because I cant remember if I said at the start: I loathe cheating and do not condone it in real life. It is the worst thing you can do to somebody. If you don't want to be with someone, man up and break it off. Don't be like Aizen in this story. Be respectful.

A/n: Here you go Timewaster. Ugh this one took way longer than it should have. But writing Aizen feeling bad when you know he deserves it for being an ass is really tough. Gonna be even tougher getting these two to fix things between them, but it'll be a challenge I rise to. [but then, if they don't fix it here, Heir, Cold Feet, & Sanctuary never happen, so I have no choice but to rise to it]

Also I kept oggling Moonshield's pretty pretty heirverse covers/fanarts so that only added to why this took so long to write/type/post. So pretty. So distracting. But go and throw love at my new illustrator/fanartist! She deserves! [moon - - shield on deviantart, delete the spaces. Alternatively PM Kuroswaggy on here]

Also, the sister story to this, Mistress, is up and in work now. Momo's perspective on the whole thing, and how the affair began. Partially concurrent with this [when I get there in writing it, particularly the later stages]. Go read :) Actually just go read the rest of this series. Read it all.

Notes: Aizen feeling bad and deserving it – but at least he knows he's an ass. Game echoes and cross references, and some very, _very_ faint Heir echoes if you're familiar with that monster. And Gin getting a well deserved "fuck you" in there too. Written to Circus-P's remix of She, Crusher-P's Again, and Circus's song 1/4th, from which I drew a lot of inspiration for chs 5 and 6 both. And also Circles by Kira - another vocaloid Gumi song - for the ending.

I'd do shoutouts for all the story love that got thrown at me that came at a low point where I was discouraged – but there's been so many and I'd be here all day. I'll just say much love to everyone reading and following this series in whole or in part. It means a lot to me people are still knocking about in my heirverse after so long and that new readers are coming in, its fantastic stuff :)

But anyway. Me blabbing isn't why ya'll are here. Enjoy the story!

 **Chapter 5: Mustard for Hurt**

Aizen made the walk to the fifth division office that morning, unable to focus on anything but the mess his life had become, still trying to come up with a solution. A way to fix this mess.

Oh, who was he kidding? Nothing about this was fixable.

He'd asked Kyouka Suigetsu, for ideas, for _help,_ but she'd just given him the cold shoulder. Still furious with him.

 _What do you want_ _ **me**_ _to do about it?_ She'd asked him. _**You**_ _made this mess._ _ **You**_ _have to fix it. You're the only one who can undo the things you've crashed. I won't help you this time._

The hellish voice inside his head laughed at him. _Fix it?_ It mocked, _Don't be ridiculous! I don't think you'll fix it. I_ _ **know**_ _you won't fix it._

Sousuke sucked in a breath through clenched teeth, blowing the air out slowly. _Just get through the day,_ he told himself. _You can do that. You can do this. You can. Gin needs space right now, give him space..._

He had to force himself to take another deep breath, to calm himself. It didn't work. He clenched his fists, clenched them so tightly they shook. Fingernails digging into his palms. Forcing his legs to keep moving.

 _Give him space, give him space._

But it was hard, _so hard,_ to fight the urge to run- no, flash step home, shake Gin awake, and get on his hands and knees and beg and plead and yes, even cry, to Gin for forgiveness. Not that he fucking deserved it. But still, he wanted badly to go back and apologise over and over for what he'd done, and tell his Gin just how much he meant to him. To hold him close and just...

He sucked in another breath, not realising he'd been holding it.

 _Space. Give him space. Give him time. Give him..._

He exhaled slowly, steadily forcing his fingers to relax and uncurl. Piecing together the calm, unshakeable facade a captain had to put on, just so he could focus on the day ahead of him. Because he was a captain, and captains were supposed to be above expressing emotions. They were supposed to leave their personal lives at the door when they went to work. Their partners, their lovers, their marriages bumped down the list of priorities the moment they stepped out wearing their white haori.

Easier said than done. Particularly when one's marriage was hanging together by a thin thread. When the very real, very immediate fear of someone you loved with all your heart walking away from you and never coming back hung over you.

A memory sparked into his mind, then. Of being in a hospital bed at the fourth, with a killer headache, feeling like someone had gone to town on his left temple with a baseball bat. Being pumped to the eyeballs with pain relief. The morphine dulling both the pain and his rational thought processes. Leaving him clumsy and uncoordinated, and with the urgency that came from a small, frightened space inside him that was afraid of being alone. Afraid of sleeping alone. A fear long suppressed set free now because the medication had muted rationality and sense. A fear that made him desperately catch Gin's wrist with clumsy fingers when he tried to leave. Because if Gin left, the nightmares would come again. Gory images of blood and war and so much death. The people he loved most in the world wrenched from him and killed by cruel shinigami. And if Gin left, Sousuke was certain Gin's face would be among them.

 _Stay with me. Please?_

He stopped in his tracks, caught by the memory. Closing his eyes for a moment.

 _Stay with me._

It was a plea he wanted to make now, though it wouldn't be heard. Gin wasn't in a place to hear it, and the words would only stick in his throat. A desperate, useless plea.

 _Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me._

 _Please._

He turned and looked back the way he'd come. In the direction of home. Of Gin. The guilt and all the lies consuming him from the inside out.

 _I've done everything perfect for our destruction, haven't I? I've put out all your fire I used to love._

He breathed deeply again, to ground himself. Counted to ten. Ran algebraic equations in his mind. Anything to ground and center himself. Ran through his mental flower dictionary. Anything to stop him retracing his steps, even though he wanted to. Because Gin asked for space. Because Gin needed space. And Sousuke was willing to give him what he needed. He'd give his Gin everything, _anything_ he wanted – even if it was to his own detriment – if Gin would only _stay._

Although he knew, deep down, if Gin _did_ stay with him, decided to forgive him and make it work, he'd still spend the rest of his life making it up to Gin. In fact, if Gin _did_ take him back, he vowed to all the gods under the _sun_ that however long he had left on this plane of existence, every day of it would be spent making this up to his darling Gin.

 _I will make this up to you._ He told himself repeatedly until he had the willpower to wrench himself away and keep walking on towards his division's office building. But he did turn and walk forward. Entire body tensed with every step he took. Fingernails dug into his palms inside his fists to keep him from turning back around and going home again.

. . .

Things got a little easier once he got into his office and sat at his desk, though not much. Just _looking_ at the desk in front of him made him remember what he'd done – _who_ he'd done – making him feel ill. But there was nothing to do about it. What's done was done. No amount of wishing otherwise would change it. He couldn't go back and change it, he didn't have a time machine to go and undo it, so he just had to face it.

Of course, he could burn the desk. He wanted to. But it would change nothing.

He'd made his bed, and now he had to sleep in it.

Not that knowing that made it any easier.

He swallowed the bile in his throat and forced his mind away from those moments in time, so he could focus on the reports sitting in his 'in' tray. But it was no good. Now that it was on the topic of his desk, his mind only regurgitated more memories at him.

 _Laying Gin on his back on his desk at the academy, in the classroom, laying siege to his pale neck with lips and teeth and tongue._

 _Gin perched on the edge of his desk in the fifth division, petting his pet fox, Cherry, whistling 'Carrie'..._

 _Gin sitting in his chair and signing the form that made his vice-captaincy official as he stood behind him, witnessing and countersigning Gin's signature, pride swelling in his chest..._

 _Taking his new lieutenant right there on that desk with a series of grunts and groans after the paperwork had been sent off for delivery to the Sotaichou. Gin gasping with pleasure under him. Long, delicate fingers pulling his dark hair in the heat of passion, making him moan..._

He shook his head to free it of the memories. They were too painful, and only a reminder of what he could lose because he'd made some very bad and stupid decisions.

Sousuke closed his eyes again, wishing, uselessly, that he could go back in time and undo everything. That he had a blue police call box in that series Gin liked so much that could travel through space and time just so he could undo his actions. Go back and stop himself from being so goddamn _stupid_. Take back every mistake that led to him sitting here now, feeling what he felt. Take back everything he did that broke his poor Gin into pieces.

He took another slow, deep breath, in and out. Clearing his mind. Pushing the thoughts and memories away. Enough of them now. While he cherished them, pining after those moments with Gin, wouldn't change anything. Pining over Gin wouldn't change anything. Gin needed time and space to think, to make up his mind on what to do. To let his heart heal over from the damage he'd done to it. From the wound he'd inflicted upon it.

 _Gin..._

He closed his eyes again and sighed. He'd wrung such _defeat_ from his Gin... the one person he'd promised to love above al others. To cherish above all others til the end of his days. To be open and honest with. To be _loving_ and _faithful_ to. To devote his love and his life to til the end of his days.

 _Til death do us part._

 _I've done everything ensuring our destruction._

 _Smashed his heart to pieces so badly he won't even look at me. Not that I blame him, after I said and promised what I did and went back on it._

Another memory gently washed through him, then.

 _His face only centimetres away from Gin's. Gin's body in his lap, in his arms. Gin's breathing trembling and pale cheeks flushed with the heat of desire. His own breaths heavy and laboured, mirroring Gin's desires. His heart bashing against his ribcage, his passion boiling out of him as their lips and tongue disengaged. His own breathy sigh as the words left him, his hands shaking uncharacteristically._

" _I want to make love to you."_

 _Gin pausing, considering this. Uncertainty written all over his face. His own hand gently caressing Gin's cheek._

" _Don't worry. You won't be like the others."_

Sousuke opened his eyes again, jolted back to reality.

 _But he was. In the end he ended up just like all the others I've had. Used until I got bored and then abandoned. Cast aside._

The guilt resurfaced and multiplied, clawing at his insides like insects with razor sharp claws and pincers. Idiotic and foolish didn't even begin to cover how he felt. He could feel his throat sink, stomach sink, his heart sink. And he had to lean on the desk, head in his hands.

 _How could I have been such a fucking_ _ **fool?**_

He could still see Gin smiling in his mind. _Sousuke, let's get married!_

He'd never see that smile again now. And it was all his damn fault. He'd pretty much ensured the destruction of their life together the moment he looked elsewhere. Even if it was to fill a Gin-shaped hole inside hi, because he'd gotten it into his head that it would be better if Gin left him. If Gin had only gotten one night with him like he planned.

 _Deluded._ He berated himself. _Mad. Insane. Idiot._

 _ **Fool.**_

He clutched his head, bowing his head to the cool wood of the desk, despair and torment and guilt threatening to tear his heart into two. Fingers fisting in his thick hair as he tried, even now, to keep it together. To stop his heart hurting at the echo of Gin's question in his ears. The pain of the person he loved.

 _Do I mean_ _ **nothing**_ _to you?!_

He squeezed his eyes shut and tightened his grip on his hair. Pulling it. Reasoning that if he felt some physical pain, then it might just drown out the screaming emptiness in his chest. The agony within his heart at the memories of Gin's utter hopeless defeat. His Gin's fiery rage giving way to hopeless tears and even more hopeless emptiness. All because of him. The person he loved.

 _You won't be like the others._

He'd made that truth out to be a lie, too. He knew it. Gin certainly knew it. Gin saw it plain as day. That was why he wouldn't look at him. Wouldn't have his hands on him. Why he'd turned away so dejectedly, not seeing the look on Sousuke's face that said his heart was crying out for him. Not seeing Sousuke reach his hand out as he pulled away, trying to grasp onto him for as long as possible before being forced to let go. Not seeing Sousuke's hand hang lost in the air where Gin's arm had been for those few seconds before he settled it back by his side.

And it hurt. It hurt because Gin wasn't looking. Wasn't listening.

 _Don't you hear me, crying out for you, as you turn away?_

 _Don't you hear me, aching for you while you scream and cry because of me? While you choose solitude over being with me because I ripped your heart into two?_

"Gin," he choked out softly, feeling his throat close up, his left temple throbbing, sending shockwaves of pain through his skull.

 _I'm sorry. So sorry. It's my fault you're a complete wreck..._

His grip on his hair tightened further, as his hands shook with the effort of keeping himself together. Though he was failing something terrible, because Gin's question still echoed.

 _Do I mean nothing to you?_

That's when the sob escaped him. A small, pathetic, strangled thing. A broken sound.

 _Do I mean nothing?_

 _How could you? To me? To us?_

 _I don't understand._

He squeezed his eyes shut again and clamped his teeth together, harder, to try and stop more pathetic things like tears leaving his body. Because he sure as hell didn't deserve to shed any. Didn't deserve to fall apart. Gin had said as much.

 _No. You don't get to feel hurt that I'm upset. You did this to me._ _ **You.**_

No, he didn't get to feel anything at all.

But he did. He did feel. Guilt, remorse, shame, regret, self-disgust, pain... and all because of his own stupidity. All because he'd damaged his Gin so badly beyond all hope of ever being repaired. So much so that Gin didn't even want to touch him. That Gin might never want to smile at him or hold his hand again.

He frowned, cursing himself. _I am such a fucking_ _ **fool.**_

He sucked in air, trying to breathe, to force air into and out of his lungs, because somewhere along the way his lungs seemed to have stopped functioning. He was sure his throat was shutting itself off, too, leaving him gasping for air like a fish out of water. Dragging in and shoving out huge lungfuls of air to compensate.

 _I've really done everything to ensure our destruction. Now Gin won't even talk to me and I-_

His breath caught in his throat, his throat still sinking deeper and deeper. His body still gasping for air.

 _I'd thought this was what I'd wanted, but... I guess that was a lie, too. Then again, I was always a good liar. Even to myself._

The dark voice in his mind laughed at him.

 _And it will be your downfall._

He dragged another deep, painful breath into him, glancing up at the clock. Five to nine. Five minutes until Hinamori was due to start her shift. Five minutes to pretend everything wasn't falling apart. Aizen felt sick. He didn't even think he could look at her now.

He forced more air into his lungs. It was painful to breathe, to think, to _exist,_ with the possibility of losing the only person in this world he was certain he loved.

Even though he had to.

 _Five minutes._

He breathed as deeply as he could, and sighed, so very tired.

 _Five minutes,_ he told himself, harshly. _You've got five minutes to get yourself together before she comes in. to get your shit together before anyone else comes in and sees you like this and starts asking questions you don't want to have to answer._

He took one last deep breath in, closed his eyes softly, relaxed his posture, and focused. And began running through kidou spells and algebraic equations just to have something to focus on.

. . .

Momo arrived a little later at the office than she usually did, but she did arrive. And Aizen cursed the universe to all hell, because why couldn't she have just not shown up at all today and let him recover from the hideous mess he'd made? If only just for a day, so he could get his head together.

But he supposed it was too much to ask of the universe. And he didn't deserve a reprieve, anyway.

He watched her as she walked in, a hell of a lot calmer than he'd been, even going so far as to return her cheerful greeting. Even if was with subdued voice.

"Good morning, Aizen taichou," she sang out. So ridiculously happy to be alive it made him sick. But not as sick as he felt about himself. After all, he was the instigator, wasn't he? It didn't matter that she'd kissed him first, he let it continue and therefore it was his fault. He fought back a frown. He resented her cheeriness. But then, it wasn't _her_ world crumbling apart under her feet.

"Good morning, Hinamori."

Gods it sounded so _forced_. But if she heard the strain in his voice, she didn't let on. Either that or she really was as stupid as she looked.

 _What did I ever_ _ **see**_ _in her?_

 _A hole._ The voice answered him. Spiteful. Cruel. _A hole to put your dick in. I've told you, you need to stop thinking with your dick. But do you listen? No._

He watched her as she walked in and set her bag down, rifling through it for something. Completely oblivious to the great shift in his world. He tried not to let his loathing show as she babbled to him.

"Oh, Aizen taichou, I wanted to give these to you. I meant to bring them yesterday, but I forgot and I left them on the table by accident. Oh, but I have them today, so um... here."

Aizen begrudgingly dragged his gaze up from his work, his pen ceasing its movements. He immediately wished he hadn't.

"I got them from my garden." she elaborated, "My rosebush _finally_ came into bloom! And I know you like flowers, so I cut you some."

She smiled up at him, sweetly, shyly – an echo of his Gin with the peppermint and white poplar. _In time my feelings will warm to you –_ and all the warmth fled from his body.

"I hope you like them, taichou."

He opened his mouth to speak, to say something – _anything_. But no noise would come out of him.

In her hands were a small cluster of roses. Vibrant and yellow, making him feel sick to his stomach. Because there it was. Right in front of his face. What he had done.

Yellow roses: infidelity.

Cheating.

Lying.

Being a fucking whore, as Gin put it.

 _Do I mean nothing to you?_

Ice crawled down his spine, chilling him from the outside in. the dark voice in his head cackling as he tried to remind himself she was ignorant in that language.

 _She doesn't know what it means. She doesn't know what they mean._

But the voice was only enjoying his suffering. _Face it. Face what you've done!_

He swallowed thickly.

 _Do I mean nothing to you?_

This was what he'd done. Yes. Yes. This was his fault. His was what he'd done. Cheated, lied, played the whore.

 _But I never let her kiss me, after that first time. Never let her touch me. Never let her into my heart._

 _Not that it matters. Because for you, sex is an expression of love and trust, and I've just gone and smashed that trust. Like an idiot._

 _Yes,_ the voice agreed. _An idiot. A stupid, deluded, mad, insane idiot._

Aizen certainly _felt_ like an idiot. He just wished Gin would talk to him. Or at least scream and call him worthless, that he had nothing left in his heart for him. Something, just _anything_. Because Gin's rage and fire was easier to face than being shut out like this. Easier than having to face the possibility Gin would leave him and not come back.

 _Do I mean nothing to you?_

His grip on his pen grew vice-like. Because he couldn't. He couldn't pretend this was a normal day.

Stupid. Deluded. Mad. Insane. The voice in his head was right. He was all of those things. Deluded. Stupid. Mad. Insane.

 _Do I mean nothing to you?_

"Aizen taichou," Momo's soft voice cut through the din of his thoughts. Full of care and concern for him. Concern he didn't deserve. He looked up at her, "Are you alright? You look a bit ill."

Sousuke opened his mouth to answer. To tell her that he was fine, that everything was fine, but no words would leave him. Hinamori stepped closer, closing the gap between them, setting the roses down on the desk.

"What's wrong, taichou?"

 _Everything._ He wanted to tell her. _Absolutely everything._ But he couldn't. He had to pretend he was fine, even while his insides crumbled apart. While his personal life crumbled apart. While his relationship, his marriage, crumbled apart.

"You look really unwell," Momo said gently, "Are you alright?"

He took a deep breath. _No,_ he thought, _I've just fucked my life up, dug a grave and all but buried my marriage, and hurt the one person in my life I never wanted to hurt. And I don't think I have it in me to get through the morning, much less the day. I can't eat, haven't slept, and I just want to go home and fix the damage I've done. But Gin won't even look at me._

 _And I have to keep up the charade that nothing is amiss or they'll all pounce on me for gossip or a chance to usurp me._

 _I am most definitely not okay._

Sousuke forced his lips into a smile for her. "I'm fine, Hinamori-kun."

"Oh," she blinked, "Are you sure?"

 _No._

"Yes. I just... didn't sleep too well last night, that's all." _Though I'll not mention the reason._

"Oh..." she said, though something in her whole demeanour suggested she didn't believe a word of his lie. But still, he was her captain, and if he said he was fine, then he was fine. "Well, if you're sure."

 _I'm not._ "I am." he smiled, not having to force the tiredness he felt. "But thankyou for your concern for me."

She smiled brightly, thankfully none the wiser. And with the bounce back in her step, she moved the roses into a vase on the windowsill and the two of them got to work.

. . .

The morning wore on, the both of them going on about their work in relative silence. Her bubbly and cheerful, him slow and distracted, staring at the same page for ages, reading the same lines three times before it sank in. Momo did try to help a bit by breaking him out of his stupors – but it just wasn't working. And in the end he did have to give in and admit he really wasn't feeling too well.

"Ah, Hinamori," he began, rising from his seat, "I'm actually not feeling too well. I'll head off home. I'll leave you in charge, if that's alright, since Gin's not here today."

Sousuke winced at the sound of his own voice. How damn pathetic he sounded. And dear gods, he hoped the catch in his voice when he spoke Gin's name wasn't too obvious.

"That's fine Aizen taichou," she nodded her agreement. "Of course, if you don't feel well, you should go home and rest."

He forced his lips to smile again for her. For the sake of the pretence. Trying not to look at her face too closely on his way out.

. . .

He trudged down the hallway, avoiding gazes, ignoring peoples greetings as they passed him. They didn't matter. There was only one person who mattered to him, and all he cared about now was going home and begging for his forgiveness. Begging him to stay. Because he'd do anything – _anything_ – if it meant Gin would stay by his side. Even if it was to his own detriment, even if it meant suffering, because he needed Gin by his side. And not just because of his role in some stupid chess game.

He arrived home before he realised it, and stood staring at the solid oak of his front door, taking a moment to compose himself. To take a deep breath, sigh, and run a nervous hand through his dark hair. This was it. He was going to walk in, wake Gin from his sleep, and plead for forgiveness. Regardless of whether or not Gin would listen.

 _Stay with me._

Standing up straight as he could, he unlocked the door with his key, pushed it open, and stepped inside. Finding the house – their _home_ – just as he'd left it this morning.

"Gin," he called out, closing the door behind him and moving through the hall into the living room. Finding the sofa empty. The duvet and pillows Gin had been using still in disarray where he'd left them.

"Gin," he called out again, louder this time, moving quickly through the house to the kitchen, the garden, finding both empty.

"Gin?"

He frowned, moving back into the house. Checking the downstairs toilet, the bathroom, quickly losing hope that Gin was still here.

 _Gin, talk to me._ He wanted to call out. _Say something, anything, just don't shut me out. Don't end this with words left unsaid._

 _Scream and call me worthless, call me a cur and a liar and anything else you want. Shout that you've got nothing left in your heart for me. Just... don't shut me out... please?_

He checked his study where he kept his piano. Empty. He checked the storage room. Empty.

Empty. Empty. Empty.

He moved up the stairs, heart jumping with every step he took. Fear that Gin might have already left and would never be coming back _eating_ away at him. And for a very brief moment he cursed himself, that he never should have let himself get attached...

He pushed the door to the bedroom open. _Empty._

 _Empty. Empty. Empty._

 _Not here._ He realised, his heart sinking, even though he didn't think it could sink any further. _You're not here._

Breathing became hard again, his heart became a wild animal again, desperate to escape his chest and leap onto the floor. His chest and throat constricted this time, and every breath was a battle.

 _And you're never coming back, and I'm not okay with that..._

He let his eyes scan the room, the space where they'd shared so much. A sanctuary that was just a room now he'd destroyed everything with his own stupidity.

His breath caught again when he saw the gladiolus sitting in the vase on the bedside table on his side of the bed. He walked over to it, slowly, feeling his heart thudding against his ribs, his sternum. It was an even wilder animal now, even more desperate to escape its cage. Each beat loud and vibrating through his whole body. Even the simple function of _breathing_ grew impossible. Emptiness swallowed him whole as he picked up the small white vase. Stared at the flower. Remembered.

 _And what does it mean? The gladiolus?_

He swallowed thickly, bile in his throat as he set the vase down gently, as if it might explode. It was a testament to their closeness, really, that Gin knew exactly where and how to strike to cause the most damage. The most hurt.

 _But then, he did learn from the best._

Something else caught his eye, too. On the bed. A box. A cardboard box, sitting on his side of the bed. Still taped shut. Curious, he picked it up and opened it, finding another box inside it, wide and square, and relatively flat. He removed it from the cardboard box and opened it to take a look. He wished he hadn't. And he just stood there, holding it in his hands. Struck dumb.

In his hands was a thirty-two piece chess set, with beautiful, elegantly carved silver and glass pieces and a gorgeous transparent etched glass board. A true show piece. The very chessboard he'd been admiring for some time.

The message was clear: _you stab my heart with your chess games._

It was Gin's final, and very well deserved, _'fuck you'._

Sousuke's hands shook with the tightness of his grip on the board and all it stood for. Gin really had learnt from the best.

"God fucking _damn_ it!" he screamed, launching the fragile board out of his hands and against the wall. Probably smashing it into tiny pieces inside its box, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Because fuck chessboards. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Nothing mattered anymore since Gin had already gone. Already left him. Because he was stupid. Because he was a fool and an idiot and a whore and whatever dirty names Gin wanted to call him.

 _I'm such a fool._

He didn't have the energy to stand anymore. Didn't have the energy to keep himself together anymore. So he just sank back against the bedroom door, and then onto the floor. And sitting with his knees pulled tight into his body, he hung his head and, for the first time in centuries, went to pieces, and wept.

Because all of this, everything, was his own damn fault.


	6. Cypress for Mourning

a/n: Right, after many, many, many technical difficulties with deviantart and file uploading,

Yes the Cover illustration is mine :) The flower he's holding is a red tulip (declaration of love in the flower language) because **imagery** and **references**. And it's also a little nod to MoonShield's Game cover which is fucking beautiful.

uploading it was a huge pain in the ass. #fuckdawithaoverlylargecactus for not cooperating. but its here now along with Crossreference Hell part 1 – aka ch6. So enjoy :)

Also please show the author of the opening quote some love in the form of pretty reviews; she inspired me so much for Gin's section in this one. Also while you're doing that, go check out the works of the rest of TheFoxPack, [Hitsugaya Kuchiki, Spunkyone, Timewaster123456789, SesshomaruFreak, Salazar Marvolo] who are probably going to ruin me come March 2019 - especially if Lull keeps adding more scale to the plans :) [stop adding SCALE! Its huge enough! :D ]

Had to split this one for length. Because it's been a while. And my heart always hurts when I come back to this one. Without fail :(

Notes/Warnings: feelings. Gunshots. Palehomages to GL, Circus, CirCrush. Mild FFE. Phase 1/ Game/Fox's Wedding echoes&spoilers. Reference to Say it aftermath. The usual stuff at this point. Also I am with Shuu, re: punching Aizen in the face. People can form a line behind me and Gin.

Ch playlist: ¼ by circus-P, Crystalline by CirCrush, Keiken-Chi's Cliffside: Grievance over Lust, Project Overdoze's Acceptance Over Denial, Dynasty by MIIA.

Enjoy the thing. It's 1am. I need to sleep.

* * *

 _How much is enough?  
If you can so easily walk away from me,  
Then did I ever mean a thing to you?  
Did everything I do not matter?_

 _\- Ganymede Lullaby (Through the Looking Glass)_

 **Chapter 6: Cypress for Mourning**

When his tears were dry and he'd finally cried himself out, Rangiku told him to rest. And Gin was far too tired, far too defeated to argue. So he curled up on her sofa where he'd spent many a morning nursing a huge hangover after nights out getting wasted in their student days, and closed his eyes.

"Don't worry," she said softly, "You can stay as long as you want." And she watched him sigh softly and relax. Soon enough, his exhausted body drifted off into sleep. She sat with him for a while, gently stroking his silver hair until she was certain he was in slumberland before slowly getting up and creeping away quietly. She returned with one of her thickest, coziest blankets and covered his sleeping form with it, still trying not to cry herself at the sight of her best friend in all the world, exhausted from weeping in her arms, on her couch.

 _A ghost of his former self._

She sighed softly, letting him sleep while she went to find her partner and tell him about their new house guest. And _why_ they had a house guest. Something told her he'd understand and let Gin stay. He knew how important her family was to her, after all. And in a pack, no-one got left outside when they needed help.

. . .

Shuuhei groaned n his sleep and threw an arm across the bed, expecting to find the warm body of his lovely Rangiku – but instead he only found empty space. And a cool mattress.

"The fuck?" he groaned again. Still drowsy from sleep. Only pushed halfway into wakefulness by the shock of Rangiku's sudden absence. He rolled over and glanced at the clock on his bedside table. Six thirty AM. Okay. Something was _definitely_ wrong here. In Rangiku's world there was only _one_ six thirty, and it sure as hell wasn't in the morning. _Something_ must have happened. Something important enough to create a second six thirty in her world. Either that or she'd been kidnapped by bandits.

"Ran?" he blinked himself awake, trying not to rub the sleep from his eyes as he looked for his zanpaktou resting against the bedside table. Just in case it was an intruder. _But why only take Ran? For ransom? They must be strong to overpower Ran..._

"Ran?" he called out again, louder this time.

"Shuu?" she answered from the doorway, and he gave a sigh of relief. Good. She wasn't in danger. He could relax

Her footsteps were soft on the floor as she came quietly into the room and sat on the bed. He sat beside her, setting down is zanpaktou.

"Ran, why're you up, babe?" he asked, as gently as he could. Because he could tell she'd been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her face had a flushed look to it. Immediately, concern gnawed at him. Clawed at his insides. He hated it when she cried.

"Babe, what's wrong?"

She sniffed and her lip started trembling, so he reached for her hand, gently resting on her lap, and pulled her into his arms on the bed. She gratefully sank into his embrace.

"Oh, Shuu," she sobbed quietly. "Something awful happened."

"Aw c'mon babe," he soothed, "You know it breaks my heart when you cry. Tell me wha'ssa matter."

She took a moment to find her voice. "It's Gin," she said sadly.

"What about him?" Shuuhei asked. "What did he do? Did you have a fight? Did he hurt you?"

But she just shook her head and buried herself further into his chest. Arms and hands clutching onto him tightly. As if at any given moment he might vanish into thin air. When she finally trusted herself enough to speak again, she lifted her face to his.

"He's had his heart broken, Shuu."

His eyes widened. He knew what she meant. Hadn't he used the same words to describe his ex?

 _I had my heart broken... she cheated on me._

And after uttering those words, she dissolved into tears again. Sobbing out her grief for her friend. Her best friend. Her family.

"Oh." he said. "Oh, shit."

because he knew what it was like. He understood. Before his beautiful Ran had come into his life, his scumbag ex had put him through the same thing. "shit, Ran. I'm... I'm so sorry."

"He just told me," she said, wiping some of her tears away. "Showed up at the door at five in the morning, crying. I know I should've asked first before I said he could stay with us, but, I couldn't turn him away, Shuu... I just couldn't. He's my family..."

He only held her tighter and tried his best to soothe her. "Shhh, s'alright Ran, s'alright. I understand. I know you love him." he said softly, stroking her hair gently. "You tell him he can stay with us as long as he needs to. Gods know he needs to be around friends through this."

She smiled then. And even though there were tears in her eyes, the smile lit up her face.

"Oh Shuu," she sighed, "Thankyou."

He smiled back at her, lightly kissing her temple. "No problem, babe. Don't worry, we'll help him get through this. I promise. Now come back to bed and get some sleep. You look shattered."

She sniffed again, and dutifully obeyed him, crawling back under the duvet again and settling herself into her lover's arms. Quietly listening to his heartbeat and enjoying the steadiness he brought to her life. Wondering, just before she closed her eyes and drifted off, what in each of the three worlds she'd done right to deserve a good man like him.

. . .

She woke up to the sound of Shuuhei's alarm clock beeping, and jolted awake. Wondering for a quick panicky moment where she was until she recalled and felt the welcome wash of relief. Shuuhei yawned and stretched beside her, begrudgingly getting himself out of bed ready to face the day ahead.

She glanced at the clock. Eight AM. Just enough time to wash, dress, have breakfast, and get into work for her nine o' clock shift. Not enough time though, to make sure her closest friend in the world was alright. Not nearly enough time. She doubted all the time in the world would be enough.

"Shuu..." she began, swallowing thickly. "Tell my captain I'm not coming in today. Tell him... tell him I'm sick or something. Or it's that time of the month. If he gives me hell for skiving, I'll take it quietly, but I can't leave Gin alone. Not after..."

She paused there. Hating herself for not even being able to say it aloud. _After he got cheated on and stabbed in the heart by a man we both thought loved him._

"After what happened."

Shuuhei gave her an affectionate smile and leant over to gently kiss her forehead. "I know, babe. To be honest I'd think a lot less of you if you did go to work today. You go take care of your family. I'll go tell your captain you're off sick. Though I think he'd understand."

"thankyou honey," she smiled. "Just, don't tell anyone why. It'll be hard enough for him as it is without people gossiping."

"Don't worry, I won't say anything," Shuuhei agreed as he stood to find a clean set of clothes. "I mean, it'll get out anyway. You know shit like this always does. And people been talkin' 'bout them for years, so they'll eat this up."

He looked at her, and he must have seen the pleading look on her face, because he sighed softly. "But they won't hear about it from me," he added. "I can promise you that."

She gazed back at him, a tender smile on her lips. "I love you, you know that?"

He shot her a smug smirk in return. "Yup. It's why I'm the luckiest guy on the planet."

She just smiled and shook her head at his teasing. "Just get dressed you worthless thing," she sassed. "I'll go check on Gin."

He nodded. "A'ight. You tell him he can stay as long as he needs to. Gods know he won't wanna see that asshole for a while yet."

Rangiku nodded and got up, and then crept slowly down the stairs to where Gin lay fast asleep on the sofa. Looking at ease for the first time in what had really felt like too long. She thought about waking him, but decided against it. It would be cruel to wake him from the peace sleep provided. She'd talk to him when he woke up on his own. She'd have breakfast ready for him, too. Even if he wasn't hungry.

She looked down at him and sighed, catching sight of his beloved Cherry-chan walking slowly in, stretching and yawning.

"Hey girl," Ran called softly. The young fox looked up at her, then scanned the room. Ran smiled; no doubt Cherry had caught her master's scent and left her mate to sleep to come searching for him.

"He's on the sofa asleep," Ran told her. "Let him rest a while, 'kay? He's had a... bad day."

Cherry dipped her head and slunk away, heading towards the kitchen, but at the last moment changed trajectories and snuck over to the sleeping Gin. Leaping up and landing softly on the sofa. She then made herself comfortable and curled up against gin's chest, guarding him from the cruelties of the world. Or at the very least, the cruelties of Aizen Sousuke. Ran would have told the fox off – but that would mean waking Gin. And she didn't have the heart to do that. She suspected Cherry knew that, too. And so the fox and Gin got left alone to sleep while Rangiku went to the kitchen to make breakfast. She'd learned their little Che-Che could be quite tenacious when she'd made up her mind about something. Much like someone else she knew... though Gin would argue Cherry was more like her. She suppressed a little giggle at the thought and set about rustling up some breakfast.

. . .

It was the smell of bacon cooking that pulled Gin gently toward wakefulness. That, and the warm thing shuffling and stretching against his ribs somewhat uncomfortably before stilling again. His eyes flickered open just as he brought himself back to the real world. Though for just a moment he thought he was back at home, smelling the bacon Sousuke would cook for him, until he remembered where he was. And the pain in his chest returned.

He looked down and saw his beloved Cherry. His Che-Che. And the sight of his little white fluffball almost made him burst into tears. His world might have ended just yesterday, and he might have thought he was completely unlovable, yet here was evidence to the contrary.

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Hey Che-Che." he called softly, and he watched her open her eyes at the sound of his voice. He also watched her lift her head, and whine happily, and then proceed to lick his face. Her tail wagging rapidly. She focused her attention around his eyes and cheeks, and Gin had to wonder if she could taste the salt as he stroked her head gently.

 _Or was I crying in my sleep?_ He wondered. _Guess it don't matter. At least no-one but Ran and Cherry-chan saw it if I was._

After a few minutes of eager, happy face-licking from Cherry-chan, he heard voices approaching. Ran and Shuuhei. He quietly hushed Cherry and lay his head back down, closing his eyes again, pretending to be asleep. He didn't think he could face anyone but Ran just now. As much as he trusted Shuuhei, he didn't want to have to explain his presence, or awkwardly state he wouldn't be staying. Most of all though, he just didn't trust himself to not burst into tears again. So he closed his eyes, evened out his breathing, and kept still. Listening quietly.

"Alright babe," Shuuhei said, "I'm off out. I'll drop by your office first thing, tell the captain you won't be in. I'll say ya got cramps er somethin'."

"Thanks honey," Ran answered, giving him a quick peck on the lips. "Just remember what we talked about."

"Yup. Gotcha. No blabbing." Shuuhei sighed then. A long, tired, frustrated sigh. And Gin hoped that frustration wasn't directed at him.

"Fuck, I wanna punch that asshole in the face though. Break his glasses and his fuckin' teeth while I'm at it. Fuckin' scumbag... I mean who does that to a person?"

 _Ah. He means Sou-_ Gin cut the name short, even in his thoughts. _The traitor whore._

Gin listened on and heard the smile in Ran's voice as she answered her partner. "I know, me too. Along with something a _lot_ lower..."

Gin had to fight to keep the snicker from escaping him. He wanted to playfully argue that if anyone had first rights to go breaking Aizen Sousuke's penis, it'd be him. Preferably ith a sledgehammer.

"But we're keeping this on the down low, so don't you go in there raging at him, okay?"

"Okay, okay." Shuuhei answered, somewhat exasperated. "Jeez, you'd think I had no self control or something..."

"Well, I know what you're like," Ran sassed back playfully. "Picking fights... anyway, you better go, you'll be late again."

"Says you, who's always late."

Gin heard her swat him lightly, and heard Shuuhei chuckle.

"Right, I'm off. Lemme know if you need anything from the shop and I'll get it on the way home. You tell him he can stay with us as long as he needs to, yeah?"

"Yeah, I'll tell him." Ran said, and Gin could hear the smile in her voice. Little did Shuuhei know she'd said that already. Gin smiled a little to himself, too. Though their banter reminded him, painfully, of what he and Sou used to be like. But still, it warmed his heart that Ran had a good man like Shuuhei. And he had to admit he was glad to be around two people who would happily injure anyone who hurt him.

"Now get going, you!" Ran said, and Gin could just imagine her shoving him out the door. Not unlike him shoving Sousuke out the door to keep him from _hovering_ when he was ill.

Not long after that, the door clicked shut and Rangiku gave a satisfied, if somewhat exasperated sigh. And Gin decided that was the perfect moment to 'wake up'.

. . .

Gin sat up slowly, making a show of stretching out the kinks in his body. Particularly his back. He didn't need to fake his satisfied sigh after he'd stretched that out, though. Though Cherry, he noted, was still curled up beside him, still keeping a careful watch over him.

"Oh," Ran gasped, and he turned his head to look at her. "You're awake."

He managed a small smile for her. He didn't need to fake that, either. "Yeah, I'm awake."

Her face melted into a tender smile. "You must be hungry. I've saved you some bacon. How do you like your eggs?"

Gin was immediately smashed in the face with a memory.

 _Aizen-sama was standing in front of the stove, frying up some bacon, and Gin had been lured down by the smell of it. Creeping up behind his lover hoping to wrap his arms around him to surprise him. Only, he was spotted. Although Sousuke had been gracious enough to let Gin wrap his arms around him anyway._

" _Good morning," Aizen smiled at him._

" _Aw, you saw me coming." Gin pouted._

 _Sousuke chucked. "I could sense you coming from ten miles away. You really aren't subtle... anyway, how would you like your eggs today?"_

 _Gin smiled and kissed his cheek, squeezing Aizen's body gently. Winccing at the man's grimace of pain as Gin embraced him._

" _Sore?" Gin asked, feeling guilty when he nodded. "Sorry. Musta been a bit too rough wi' ya. I-"_

 _Sousuke cut him short, turning around in his arms, kissing him like the world were ending._

" _Don't apologise." he said simply. Though the huskiness in his voice and clear arousal made Gin shiver. "You were amazing."_

" _'kay." Gin whispered. Swallowing. "But yer sore, so, you go back to bed an' rest. S'my turn to dote on_ _ **you**_ _t'day."_

" _Mmm," Aizen hummed, "I can get behind that plan."_

Gin gasped and pushed the memory away. While he cherished them, they were simply far too painful right now. Far too heartwrenching. Especially as they were memories of something he'd lost.

"You okay?" Ran asked him, her voice full of quiet concern. Gin shook his head.

"Yeah," he said softly. "Yeh, I'm fine. Well, not 'fine' but... ya know what I mean."

She smiled sadly at him, and he saw his own pain reflected there. "I know," she said. "Come on, let's get some breakfast in you."

Gin smiled gratefully, and followed her into the kitchen.

. . .

Gin slowly manoeuvred himself into one of the chairs at the table while Ran fried his eggs and heated a can of baked beans, not trusting his legs enough to keep supporting him to help her cook. Because Aizen Sousuke, or the memory of him at least, was following him everywhere.

The man was a ghost. Haunting him.

If Gin weren't careful, he'd lose what was left of his sanity because of him.

He took a deep breath and listened to the sound of eggs frying. Focused on the smell of bacon cooking. Trying to ground himself with the smells and sounds of everyday life. If he kept his focus on those, then his mind wouldn't wander off down memory lane and drift back to _him_ again.

He sat waiting at the table, knife and fork in hand, smells of his fry-up drifting into his nose, until Rangiku set his plate before him. He had to smile at her when he saw the smiley face made out of the food. Two fried eggs for eyes and bacon for a mouth. If he had the energy to, he'd have chuckled at it. Feeling about five years old because something like that could amuse him.

"Thanks, Ran."

"No problem." she smiled. At least she was cheering him up a little.

. . .

Gin ate his breakfast quietly, while Rangiku made light conversation about her week with Cherry and what they'd been up to together while Shuuhei was away on his mission. Which involved staying up late, watching films curled up together on the couch, playing fetch, and Cherry getting away with murder in his absence. Particularly where fox boyfriends were concerned... and Ran had looked rather sheepishly at Tsuku asleep in his bed when she admitted this, although Gin didn't mind. It was just nice to talk about something other than what happened with Sousuke and the ruined mess his life was. He smiled tenderly and fed Cherry the last piece of his bacon under the table as she sat at his feet. Rangiku just smiled and shook her head at the fox begging for scraps.

"Are you done?" she asked Gin.

"Yes," Gin nodded. "Thanks."

He handed her his empty plate and she set it in the sink with her own.

"I'll wash them later" she said, making Gin smile and shake his head, too. She hadn't changed at all since he'd shared a flat with her while they studied at the academy.

"Come on, let's go watch a film." she said, smiling cheerfully at him. He returned the smile; she really was trying her best to make him feel a little better.

"Which one?" he asked.

"Your favourite," she grinned. "Bridget Jones Diary. What else?" And he had to grin, too.

"A'ight. Come on, Che-Che, le'ss go get comfy." he said.

. . .

All three of them settled on the sofa, with Gin snuggled with Cherry-chan in his arms under a very cozy blanket beside Rangiku, who'd assembled a wide selection on snacks for their movie marathon. Including chocolate, popcorn, and some sweets that Cherry had obviously gone and liberated from Captain Ukitake's secret stash. Not that Gin was complaining. He deserved them more that Ukitake did, particularly after yesterday. Speaking of Captains, he did have a fleeting thought about how his captain was coping without him today, but it vanished as quickly as it came. After what he did, that man could go to hell and stay there. At least that's what gin told himself. Because admitting anything else was out of the question.

"Right. You guys ready?" Rangiku asked. Gin smiled.

"Yep. Play the thing."

Rangiku grinned at Gin and Cherry and pushed the play button on the remote. And the three of them lost themselves in the misadventures of Bridget Jones and her diary...

At least, until the second reminder of Aizen Sousuke came and smashed him in the stomach.

It came right on the scene where Mr Darcy told Bridget that he liked her, _'Just as you are'._

 _Because Sousuke had told him the same thing._

 _'You're perfect the way you are'._ He'd said. _'I like you just as you are'._

But how could he have been perfect if Sousuke went and found someone else? Wasn't he good enough? Didn't Sousuke love him? Apparently not, if he could betray him so readily. Walk away from their marriage like it meant less than a speck of dust under his shoes.

But why, though? He'd done everything... tried so hard to be what he wanted...

 _Did everything I do just... not matter?_

 _I guess not._

 _I guess ya really were jus' playin' the long game with me after all._

 _Even after all I did for you. Even when all I ever did was love you wholeheartedly..._

 _I guess it just wasn't enough. I guess_ _ **I**_ _just wasn't enough._

 _I were just a plaything for you, weren't I?_

 _A game._

 _'How long can I string him along for before I get bored?'. 'How badly can I destroy him?'_

 _I wish you'd have just slept with me and then dumped me. That'd have been easier. But then, it's the betrayal you don't see coming that's the most devastating, right Sou?_

 _Ya said as much when ya got rid of Hirako Taichou._

 _I assume you said something similar when you dumped Urahara. I guess he wasn't enough for ya, either._

 _I know_ _ **I**_ _wasn't. And we had decades together._

 _But then, how much is enough? If you can so easily walk away from me? How much more do I have to_ _ **do?**_ _How much more do I have to give you before I'm 'enough'? Good enough, beautiful enough, strong enough for you?_

 _Tell me how much. Tell me how you could walk away from our marriage, from_ _ **us,**_ _from_ _ **me.**_

Gin swallowed and tried to focus on the screen. Tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest. Trying not to think of his wedding day and thinking of nothing else.

 _Dragging Sousuke to the little church through the rain, laughing and giddy._

 _Standing at the altar with him. Feeling nervous. Feeling doubtful. Ready to call the whole thing off because what if he wasn't_ _ **enough?**_

 _Blurting out "I look a mess," because he couldn't articulate any of that._

 _Sousuke telling him, "Shut up, you look perfect."_

And soon enough the sinkhole in his chest became a deep black hole, threatening to swallow him up. Because clearly he just wasn't _enough._

Even though he'd fought for Sousuke. Stuck by him when things were bad. When his Sousuke, his sun and stars – no, Gin shouldn't call him that anymore – fell into dispondency and depression.

Even though Gin tried _so hard_ to make him happy and be everything he ever wanted.

 _Do I mean nothing to you?_

 _Was it all just a dream?_

 _Am I wrong? Was there no 'You and Me'?_

 _I thought I made you happy. The way you made_ _ **me**_ _happy. I thought we were happy..._

 _But I guess, if you can do this, if you can walk away from me, from us... then those little fragments of happiness we shared are better off lost forever..._

Gin swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He tried to swallow the sob too, but that failed. He felt Ran's fingers squeeze his again, a gentle reminder that she was here for him as the black hole of despair swallowed him whole and the tears fell out of him and he sat crying again on her sofa. In her arms.

And quietly he wondered, _where did I go wrong?_

 _When did we fuck up?_

 _When did it all stop being a game?_


	7. Dark Geranium for Melancholy

_a/n: a shorter one at 2378 words but I didn't need a lot of words today._

 _like my other cwst piece' Fxxk you' [that you should totally read after this, its in the Vulpecula anthology], this is inspired by a Circus-P'song. This chap was heavily influenced by his absolutely beautiful song 'Quicksand', that dropped yesterday. It brought back some things for me, so I wrote this. It's okay Circus, I didn't need my heart today. I totally wanted to be in pieces, it's fine..._

 _ **Notes/warnings: strong references to depression, melancholy, ice metaphors, voice being a dick, story crossreferences. Please proceed with caution, and an open mind. And maybe some tissues, I don't know.**_

* * *

" _I've been caught in quicksand  
_ _Quicksand  
_ _There's nowhere to go  
_ _Lost in the overflow."_ _  
_

 _\- Circus-P [Quicksand]_

 **Chapter 7:** **Dark** **Geranium for Melancholy**

Aizen wiped his eyes, unsure whether to laugh mockingly at himself or cry. He could feel himself sinking down as he rose to his feet, the familiar empty feeling in his chest beginning to hollow him out again. His body felt surprisingly light as he hefted it to its feet. It made sense, because he'd been cracked open and all that weighed him down to the world, everything that gave his life purpose and meaning had been drained out of him.

He stood still, just breathing, but in the back of his mind he knew eventually doing just that would be an effort. The hourglass inside him was already counting down to when he'd be completely empty. When the last of his energy would drain away, leaving him a shell of what he used to be. He surveyed the bedroom, memories coming back to him of happier times. Laying together in bed. Having tea together in the morning. Him bringing Gin breakfast in bed. That ridiculous pillow fight... that had been fun.

He wanted to smile at that memory, but his brain wouldn't make the muscles move. It was as if his nerve impulses were wading through tar. Or quicksand. Made sluggish and slow by his sadness. His emptiness. His brokenness. Or maybe he was always broken and was only just now realising it...

Either way, it didn't matter. He'd just ruined the best thing in his life. Nothing else mattered anymore.

 _Like you deserved him anyway,_ the voice sneered at him. Like he didn't already know that. Like he hadn't told himself that every damn day of his life since Gin entered it.

Aizen nodded. He didn't even have the energy to argue. _I know. I didn't._

The voice died away, leaving him to his emptiness. It didn't need to tell him what he already knew. _You don't deserve him. Never have. Never will. You're a fool if you think he loves you. He only puts up with you because he felt sorry for you._

Things the monster inside him had only echoed back to him; because they were things already there in his mind. Those were his own thoughts. His own insecurities. Always there, lurking and ready to pounce on him. No matter what Gin did or said to allay them. He supposed they'd always be there. Until the day he died.

And now Gin wasn't here...

The thought made his throat constrict, painfully, and an invisible vice squeezed his chest so hard he thought his ribs might break. Of course they wouldn't, the pain was all emotional, but it certainly felt like he'd snap in half. He waited for it to pass, waited for the vices around him to release, but it didn't seem to be happening.

 _Of course it's not going to, idiot,_ the voice laughed. Mocking. _You're stupid if you think it'll get easier. It never gets easier!_

Aizen nodded. Of course he knew that, too. Each time he fell through the ice when it thinned, the shock of the cold was just as jarring, just as terrible, and there was no bracing for it either. It always took him unawares, so he was never prepared. Always being dragged into the inky blackness without a fight. Because there was never any time to fight it. No time to resist or struggle against it. And of course, the holes in the ice had nothing to hold onto. No footholds or handholds to help him climb out again. Yes there'd been Gin before, reaching out his hand to help him climb up, ready with a towel to dry him off and warm him up, but this time...

This time Gin wasn't here. This time, he was on his own. Just like before.

And he wasn't sure how to feel about that. Because who was he without Gin? How was he meant to go on without him?

Those thoughts made him sink even deeper. Gasp in big lungfuls of the ice water. _Who am I without you? How am I meant to go on without you?_

They were questions without answers. And for a man who liked to have all the answers, it made him feel so wrong-footed. So off balance.

 _What am I supposed to do without you? You were such a big part of my life, and now you're gone... and I'm still here. Caught in this quicksand._

 _Tell me what to do. Tell me where to go to. Tell me how to go on. Because I'm terrified of being alone._

 _Being without you._

He stood in the empty bedroom, noticing only now just how much space Gin had taken up. In their house, in his life... but then, you only know what you have, when you lose it. Well, Gin hadn't technically _said_ their marriage was over, but it might as well be after this. If there _was_ a chance of coming back from this, it was miniscule. But then... a miniscule chance was still a chance, right?

 _Can we survive this?_ Sousuke wondered. A tiny spark of hope lighting inside him before the blackness killed it.

 _After what you did?_ The voice laughed. _There ain't no growing back together. Your marriage is over, Sousuke, face it!_

Sousuke sighed heavily, sinking even deeper into the darkness. The voice was right. There was no coming back from this. Never. Gin would never forgive him, certainly never want him back again, and he just had to suck it up and deal with it. It was just a marriage, after all, and those ended all the time.

Probably for the best. It was only a matter of time, anyway. And better now than before his darkness infected Gin's light. But then again, he supposed he'd already poisoned that light.

 _Gee, ya think?_ The voice snarled, and that was the last straw for him. He had to get out of this room, away from the voice, away from... everything. It took a gargantuan amount of effort – just moving his body and taking steps was like moving through quicksand with limbs made of iron – but he got himself out of the bedroom and moved steadily down the hall and the stairs. He found himself moving on autopilot, watching like it was someone else, though he knew it wasn't.

Eventually, he found himself in his piano room. The last thing in his world that gave him joy. Sitting at the stool with his fingers getting ready to play. It was as if his brain was helping him out. Using the last of its energy to make him play. Letting him make music and enjoy that one last time before even that disappeared. Of their own accord, his fingers aligned themselves with the keys, and he took a deep breath before he pressed them down and sound came out. And he sat and composed.

Because this piece might be his last. Could very well be his last. His inspiration was gone now. Why bother composing again after this?

But one more time was better than not at all. So he sat, and he played, and he found the words just came.

 _Sinking down  
_

 _Hold my breath to count  
_

 _The standing of time  
_

 _I will drown  
_

 _The distorted sounds of the world passing me by_

The melody was surprisingly light and calm for such a melancholic song. Like it carried acceptance inside it.

He didn't know if he'd remember the words or even if he will play this piece again, but just this one last time, he wanted to enjoy playing.

 _Terrified gasps of the past  
_

 _At last in struggling to move  
_

 _Too exhausted to get through  
_

 _As I look above the gap has closed  
_

 _Holding my outstretched hand I know it's the end_

Gin had left him. And now he truly was alone. It was what he'd wanted... right? To protect Gin from the monster, to keep him safe and whole. What a mess he'd made of that.

Originally, he'd wanted to keep as much distance between himself and Gin as possible. Obviously he failed at doing that, too. Because here they were, working together, living together, married.

And he had to wonder when he'd wandered into the quicksand trapping him here. What made him stay with Gin when so many others had come and gone without even a flicker of interest on his part.

 _I've been caught in quicksand_

 _Quicksand_

 _There's nowhere to go_

 _Lost in the overflow._

It wasn't like Gin was anything special. Okay, Gin might have been beautiful in his eyes but, to the rest of the world Gin wasn't even that pretty. He was awkward and lanky and too angular to be considered a classic beauty. Yet Gin had other qualities he didn't really display except to a trusted few. His sharp mind, a quick wit, a kind heart... and intelligence that enabled him to keep up with him. It had been a game, and Gin had matched him move for move.

Sure, Gin might have been a slow learner, it's true. But he learned. The gladiolus had proved that.

But at some point reality interceded. He wasn't exactly sure when it happened, possibly after his battle – if that embarrassing defeat could even be called that - but he remembered laying with Gin in bed one night, with Gin's ear over his heart. His lover listening to his heart beating steadily. Safe in his arms.

And he remembered feeling comfort.

Safety.

Warmth.

Love.

Joy.

Things he never thought he'd have.

Until Gin.

A happy accident if there ever was one.

Now there was a huge Gin-shaped hole. An empty space. Right where his heart should be.

 _Buried deep in my mind  
_

 _I know this helplessness stems from carelessness_

 _When the earth wraps her arms around me  
_

 _It's a comfort best described as unrest_

He should've known after Fisher, that this was a mistake. He'd been careless. Stupid. Idiotic.

What had he been thinking? He should have shut this down on day one. No, before then. When Gin came to see him after their first class together. Sent Gin on his merry way with a clear dismissal, leaving him irritated, but on the whole, safe. But he was bored, and Gin was exciting and new and... the voice had been silent the whole time they'd talked.

He sighed heavily. It was a poor excuse, he knew. He still should've known. Should've seen the train wreck waiting to happen if he pursued anything with Gin.

He was such a fool.

He knew it was a bad idea.

And he'd done it anyway.

He should've just ended it then.

He was such a fool.

A fool...

 _So I laugh at the past  
_

 _At last I'm working to the bone  
_

 _Too exhausted to go on  
_

 _As I look above the gap has closed  
_

 _No matter what I say I know its too late_

It was hard to play with all his stupid mistakes laughing in his face. The voice. Fisher. The affair. The lies. The game. But he persisted. This was his last piece. He had to make it count. Even if no-one was there to hear it anymore.

His hands shook as they moved over the keys. Just keeping himself together was taking all of his effort. Because he couldn't fall apart. It took ten times longer to put yourself back together than it did to fall apart. And that was time he just didn't have. He had an image to keep up. He had a role to play, and he had to play it.

But as the song progressed, that was getting harder. His energy was trickling away inside the hourglass, and he knew his time was nearly up. He was growing so exhausted, he could feel it in his bones. His muscles. Even his heart was too exhausted to go on... his barriers were breaking down, alongside his composure and he just didn't have the energy to fight anymore.

But what was the point? He was alone, the doors and windows were locked. No-one was around to see. What was one day crying curled up in a ball? What was one day of feeling lost and bereft in a world without his light, his moon?

 _Light of my life..._

Oh what the hell. Today was a day for tears anyway. He didn't realise they'd welled up in his eyes. But he couldn't even blink them away, he didn't have the energy. Gin was gone and wasn't coming back. And no matter what he said, no matter how much he begged for forgiveness, it was too late. If he had any sanity, Gin wouldn't take him back.

Good thing he wasn't reading sheet music. He could barely see through the water leaking out of his eyes.

He'd never remarry. That much was certain. How could he? He'd already found his soulmate... and lost him. To try and recreate that with someone else would just be a lie. And a mockery of everything he had with Gin.

 _I've been caught in quicksand_

 _Quicksand_

 _There's nowhere to go_

 _Lost in the overflow._

But by the time he'd fought the hollow the bureau had codenamed Grand Fisher, it was already too late. He was stuck in the quicksand trap Gin had set, and there was nowhere to go. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. By then Gin had become so entwined with him there was no escape.

So he did what he did best.

He lied.

He broke his promises.

He broke Gin.

And now he had to deal with the consequences of that.

 _This is why they name storms after people,_ he mused. _People devastate. I wonder if they'll name a hurricane after me..._

He smiled ruefully. They should name a storm after him. Or at least let Gin name a storm after him.

 _I've been caught in quicksand_

 _quicksand again_

 _there's nowhere to go_

 _with no undertow_

 _I've been caught in quicksand_

 _quicksand_

 _there's nowhere to go_

 _lost in the over... flow._

By the end, he was in pieces. Again. And far, far too exhausted to try to fight the grief anymore.

Tomorrow, he'd pick himself up, glue his heart back together, and go into work.

Until then, he'd give himself over to the sadness. And just hope he wouldn't drown now the person who helped him climb out of the ice wasn't around anymore.


	8. Ebony Tree for Darkness

**Chapter Warning: Voice encouraging suicide. If proceeding, please proceed with caution, and an open mind. _However This chapter CAN be skipped without impacting the rest of the story if this isn't your thing – the next ch will be Gin's side of this._**

 _Assuming you're proceeding:_

 _Business: The 'mayday' lines I borrowed from Wolf 359, an excellent scifi drama podcast everyone needs to listen to. The 'only way out, and you know it' line I borrowed from the Downfall game by Harvester Games. Also posted an extra scene for this 'Crystalline' a while back in case anyone missed. I am also taking wholesome prompts for this verse I need some wholesome._

 _Ch Illust:_ wolfiethewriter . tumblr [dot com forwardslash] post / 184927611936 _\- I got waaaay too excited about the purple for the toxic voice._

 _Ch playlist: Again and Echo by Crusher-P. Busy signal by Strovi. Athsma by reoni. Last of Me by Circus-P. Chronos, and Crocodile skin by Cepheid. And the Downfall game (remake) soundtrack._

 _A/n: Get your bulletproof vests, I've got my machine gun today and I'm coming for your feelings with gsw's._

 _Big big thanks to Time for checking I didn't retcon anything, and for crosschecking a lot of subtext in Monster to enable me to post this with confidence. (At time of posting this ch, I haven't read Monster yet and thus didn't want to shit upon her efforts from a great height). Fortunately it all worked out :) So I give you 'God: the mirror fic', according to Time ;)_

 _Wordcount: 2638_

Notes: Really heavy mental distress. Mentions of bipolar disorder. Heartbreak. Heartache. 'hate what you are' smashing you in the face. Really ugly feelings. Voice being a complete dick. Complete and total character breakdown/meltdown. Terrible coping mechanisms. Ice metaphors for days. Vague mentions of self destructive behaviour. Voice encouraging suicide. Ridiculous abuse of the darkness within trope.

* * *

 _Eiffel: Mayday, mayday, mayday, all ships at sea. I require immediate emergency assistance. Please respond. (beat - then soft, tired) Please respond._

 _And then there is silence.  
\- Gabriel Urbina [Wolf359 episode 'Mayday']_

 **Chapter 8: Ebony Tree for Darkness**

By the time the last musical note had faded into nothingness, his hands were shaking again. God. This was it. This was really it. It was really over. Really done. The voice was right. It was right. It was always right.

It was over. Done. Finished.

And there was no going back.

Not now, not ever.

Once it seemed impossible, the thought that Gin would be without Gin.

And yet...

He tried to breathe, but it felt like he was inhaling water. Cold, icy water. It stabbed at his lungs, filling him up and weighing him down. Sinking him to the bottom of the sea. His chest seemed to be opening up, a gaping hole about the size of his fist just over his sternum. His core. It opened up and his heart melted and leaked out, leaving an empty space inside him...

Or at least that's what it felt like.

 _Over._ The voice hissed. _Done._

 _Because of you._

 _Because you fucked up. Because you were a fool._

It laughed. _Sorry,_ it corrected. _'Are'. You ARE a fool._

He covered his ears, in an attempt not to listen. To mute the voice, or at least muffle it. Temporarily forgetting it lived inside his head, where it was impossible to run away from.

Damn the silence. He should've kept playing. He knew the voice always chose the quiet moments to lash out at him. And now he didn't have Gin to fill the quiet or act as a buffer...

 _Look at you, it sneered,_ you're pathetic. _Falling apart over your own mistake._

He clenched his teeth, willed it to shut up. But it didn't. It never did. He wasn't sure why he even tried, but it seemed better than giving in to it. It seemed he still had a little bit of fight left in him.

Not for long, though, if the voice had it's way. Which it would. It always did. And now Gin wasn't here, it was only a matter of time... minutes, if not hours, and he'd be drowning again. With no lifeline now Gin had cut the strings holding them together. Floating to the surface to breathe while he sank. Like a stone. Or an anchor without a ship. A sun without a moon to give it balance.

 _Pathetic. Stupid. Bitch._

 _What did you think would happen?_

He tried to breathe, to suck in air, but it was useless. Of course he wasn't thinking. If he'd been thinking rationally, he'd never have done what he did. The voice cursed him for a liar, and laughed, and laughed, and it was all just too much. The walls were closing in on his now and he felt like he might die. Invisible hands were around his neck and _squeezing,_ hard, and every breath was a war he was losing. His heart was going a thousand miles a minute, throwing itself against the bars of his ribcage like a trapped animal. Shaking his ribs. Rattling his whole body. His hands especially. They just wouldn't stop shaking. Gin was gone. _**Gone.**_ And never coming back. _Never_. And he didn't know how to cope with that fact. He should have never let himself get attached...

He swallowed. If only... if only they could start over...

The voice laughed, sinister and dark. _I told you you'd fuck it up,_ It jeered. _I told you you would. I. Told. You. What will you do now? Will you ruin more lives? I'd say you should ruin your own but you've already done that, haven't you?_

He tried to tune it out, shut it out. But how do you shut off your own mind? Especially if it's working against you?

 _Repeat it after me: 'I should burn my house down into an ugly black...'_

Aizen had neither the bravery or stupidity to question that, but the voice had an answer for him.

 _Well,_ it said smugly. Clearly enjoying his suffering. _He's not going to want you back now, so why stick around? Why would he want you now? I wouldn't if I were him._

 _What you need to do now is self destruct. I mean its what a fucking waste like you deserves._

 _You should just go to the forest where you fought Fisher and die in a hole there. Burn your house into a pile of black ash and never come back here again._

 _I mean, what's there to live for now? The only person who loves you left you. He hates you. Everyone here hates you. Why stick around? Why go on?_

He tried to breathe, to hold himself together as his world fell apart. Stitching back together his seams that had – were coming – apart.

But that was impossible. And worse now was the pain that would come. The physical screeching agony of his muscles and tissues. Even now his lungs were on fire. He tried to breathe. In for three, our for three. It always hurt when the voice spoke to him for prolonged periods of time. He knew sniffling would only make it worse, truly unleash the monster's wrath on him for his weakness, but he'd already started down this road and frankly he deserved all the pain coming to him.

And agitation only sped up the process. Resisting only sped up the process. Better to give into it and take the pain. Gods knew he deserved it for being such an ass.

 _I told you before. What you need to do is self destruct. Drink yourself to death, go jump off a cliff. Do the three worlds a favour. Just go. Just disappear. Never come back._

Pain tore through his insides, and he doubled over in pain, the voice's words like arrows piercing him. He groaned, it laughed. Sadist that it was. Every fibre of his body seemed to be screaming in agony, burning from the inside out. It made him whimper a little but he was so past caring about that now. All he cared about was that Gin's _gone_ , gone and not coming back. His body twisted involuntarily and he cried out, the physical pain immense. Even in his chest it was like a thousand needles sticking into his soft flesh. Or was that his soul breaking in two?

 _Pathetic,_ the voice sneered. _Just go to the forest. Swing from the branches. Preferably with a noose around your neck. You're good for nothing else._

 _The voice laughed, mocking, spiteful. No. Do one better. Go and get a gun. Point it at your head. Pull the trigger. Pull the trigger and forget all your problems. Let them die!_

 _Pull the trigger, let the bullet fly. Fuck off and die!_

 _DO IT!_

Aizen fought it, tried to ignore it. But it was useless. Impossible. The monster was already inside his head, and unless he detached his head from his body, there was no escaping it. Too stubborn to commit suicide, too broken to live. Who was he? Nothing. Nobody. No-one at all without Gin... at the thought of his lovely moon, broken now, shattered, he felt the ice under his feet crack. It started with a hairline fracture, but that was all the voice needed. From that tiny crack grew more, and more, until he was standing on a mosaic made of cracks. It was only a matter of time before it grew too weak to support him and he plunged in...

He swallowed. He hoped not. There was nobody to help him out now. If he fell in this time, he'd drown.

 _Look at you. Stupid. Pathetic. Weak. Useless._

 _Look how pitiful you've become. Losing track of everyone. You've got nothing now. Nothing. No-one. What are you now? Who are you now? Nothing. You're no-one. "Just as planned", right? HAHAHAHAHA!_

Cold seeped up into his skin, creeping its way upwards through his body. Soon it would reach his heart, and his organs would fail. He'd collapse into a pile of nothing, and there would be nothing, no-one, to drag him out of the abyss. He closed his eyes and wished Gin was here, though he remembered he wasn't supposed to wish that anymore. Even now, he couldn't help being selfish.

 _Oh. You're going to pine now?_ The monster asked. Though it didn't wait for an answer. _Pathetic. You're pathetic. Get a fucking grip!_

 _You knew he never wanted you. Not really. I mean, who would? A bipolar piece of shit like you? I wouldn't. Anyone with any sense would keep ten thousand miles away!_

 _Nobody'd want to deal with you._

 _I certainly don't. Unfortunately, I'm stuck with you. Gin was lucky, he got to leave._

The coldness reached his chest-space, and the ice supporting him shattered. He plunged into it. Gravity sucking him down, but that might just have been the weight of his heart doing so.

He tried to suck in air, but only icy water filled his lungs.

Cold. Dark. Ice.

He knew it was coming, and yet it always took him by surprise. Probably the shock of the cold subzero temperature. So cold it burned. Burned his skin, burned his lungs. He heard the monster laugh, the sound somehow amplified in the ice water. It was always amplified under the water. Beneath the ice. Somewhere inside his fogged up mind he knew if he didn't climb out now, the hole he'd crashed through would freeze over and he'd be stuck here forever.

When he opened his eyes again, he was on the floor, doubled over in agony. He didn't remember hitting the floor, but he must have done. He must have done, when the physical pain grew too much.

He forced himself to breathe, though it stung and his lungs were iced up. It took so much effort just to make his lungs _function_ that he thought it'd be easier and far less painful if he _did_ just curl up in a corner and die.

 _No,_ he told himself. Because he couldn't die here. Not like this. He refused. He might die fighting it, but he refused to go without a fight. So he made himself move, willed his lead limbs to obey him, and dragged his screaming body to his feet. It's like moving through tar, but he stumbles through the house. Trying to ignore the voice and the pain and the empty space inside him filling up with ice water.

 _Yes that's right._ The voice told him. _Go take every pill in that cupboard. Its the only way out. And you know it._

He stumbled through the house, every tiny movement sending agony tearing through his body. No, there was another way out. One last hope. A longshot, one that might not even work. But still, it was worth a try. After all, desperate times called for desperate measures.

 _Where are you?_ His mind called out. _Where are you? Where would you be?_

His mind hunted him down, followed him out the door, traced his steps. _Where would you go?_

Eventually he made it to the phone. He was in a lot of pain now. A catastrophic amount of pain. But somehow, somehow he picks up the phone.

He dials.

He tries to breathe.

It rings.

Ice rushes in and out of his lungs. He shuts his eyes in a futile attempt to shut the pain out.

It rings.

 _Mayday, mayday, mayday, all ships at sea. I require immediate emergency assistance. Please respond._

And it rings.

And rings.

And rings.

 _Please respond._ He breathed. _Please respond. Please respond. Please respond. Please..._

Gin answers. "Hello?"

A beat. "Gin?"

Another beat. Then horrified recognition sounds in Gin's voice. "You."

 _This is it._ The voice snickered. _I'd say don't fuck it up, but we both know you will._

He took a deep breath, wanting to sound sincere. Instead he just started rambling.

"Gin, please can we talk? We can work this out. Look, it's a mess. I'm a mess. I'm sorry. Just. Please. Come home..."

 _Mayday mayday mayday..._

 _...all ships at sea..._

 _any ship at sea..._

" _Why?"_ Gin asked.

The voice snickered. _Why indeed?_

"I need you."

 _Please respond._

Silence. A breath. Two. Three. Gin's voice was as cold as the ice inside him when he spoke next. "No you don't."

Then Gin hung up. And all he could hear was the dial tone.

. . .

The voice burst into a fit of laughter while the colour drained from his face. His hands were shaking. Gods why wouldn't they _stop shaking?_

 _I told you,_ the voice hissed. _You're done._

Aizen tried to breathe. Though a vice was squeezing his lungs. Cutting off his air supply. Or maybe that was just his panic.

He hung up and picked up the phone again. Dialled. Heard it ring.

He reached the answerphone.

'The person you have called is currently unavailable. Please leave your message after the tone. BEEP'.

 _Done._ The voice hissed again. But his brain wouldn't register it. _One last try. Just one last try maybe he doesn't hate me..._

The voice quickly shat on that thought. _Like fuck he does. He loathes you._

Hang up. Pick up. Dial. Hear the ringing. Then the answerphone message.

BEEP.

Rinse and repeat. He just didn't know what else to do. Stuck in a seemingly infinite loop of denial. Driven mad, forced into a corner by the monstrous voice in his head. Seeing no other choice, no other option, no other way out. Leaving increasingly desperate answerphone messages for Gin. Begging. Crying. Even though he was the one who did this. Even though he was a crying burning liar, holding the lighter. The one who'd burnt their marriage to the fucking ground.

 _Burnt it to an ugly black..._

Pick up. Dial.

 _Give up._ The voice said, almost bored now. _He won't listen. He hates you. Don't blame him. I'd hate you if I were him._

Ring. Wait. Try to breathe. Fail.

Inhale more ice water.

BEEP.

Hear the voice laugh while he begged.

"Please Gin,"

BEEP

"I'm sorry."

His voice cracks

BEEP

"I'm so sorry..."

BEEP

His voice shatters.

please

BEEP

He tries to breathe. Can't.

 _You did this. You._

Tears rolled down his cheeks. Hot and thick. The only things telling him he could still feel. The only warmth on his skin.

"I need you."

'Please leave your message after the tone.'

BEEP

"Moon of my life."

BEEEEEP

"Come back to me."

BEEEEEEEEEP

"Please..."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

 _Mayday mayday mayday. All ships at sea. This is Aizen Sousuke transmitting from the Horrible Unending Nightmare. I require immediate emergency assistance. Please respond._

BEEP

 _Someone. Anyone. Please respond._

 _Please._

He listened to it ring, his fingers tapping out morse code on the table, unable to keep still.

 _Dot dot dot. Dash dash dash. Dot dot dot._

Tapping on the table as the phone rang. And rang. And rang.

On and on and on.

Like the voice. On and on and on and on and on...

 _Mayday. Mayday. Mayday._

 _All ships at sea._

 _This is Aizen Sousuke aboard the U.S.S Horrible Unending Nightmare. I am in need of immediate emergency assistance. Please respond._

And on and on and on...

And on.

And by the end of it, he was just a broken person.

On the final try, the answerphone message changed. It was the same robotic, female voice, but this time she said: 'I'm sorry. The number you have dialled has been disconnected, or is no longer in service. If you have received this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again.'

BEEP.

And all he could do in response to that was is stare into space. Horrified.

Cut off.

Cast adrift.

Lost.

Empty.

Trapped in the frozen ocean. Under a thick sheet of ice.

And the voice just laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

 _You're done._ It sneered.


End file.
